Every time I go to write a blog I tend to flick over my last one to delve back into whatever concept I'm trying to demonstrate in the previous and see if I've lived by it myself. The one person you're only ever really accountable to afterall, is yourself. You have to stand by your decisions and live with the results. I'm not quite sure what direction this post will be going in but apparently I have a way with words, so hopefully you'll follow it to the end and find out at the same time I do.
Where to start..? Poker? Let's get it over with!
I know this bit is the boring part, so hey-ho, you'll all be pleased to hear I went from $150 to approximately $1,200 and I'm now sat around.. $155.48. The worst part about it is (and non-poker players probably won't understand this), but I've been playing somewhere between OK and very well; but just been on an inevitable downswing. Having been consistently winning for the past few weeks; there was a point in which I'd have to start losing to satisfy variance (think of it like karma if that helps). I guess that's over and done with now so I'll look forward to winning in Nottingham.. which rolls me on nicely to the next section.
24th & 25th March.. Making a mess in Nottingham
Nathan qualified for the pub poker league National Final in what feels like an eternity ago. I missed out on my own seat by something like 14 places, which was pretty disappointing considering I was cruising through a field of 175 players at the time, but that's the nature of the game so I guess I'll have to get over it. With the way the league works, the top 10 players from the nationals have their tournament 'frozen' effectively; following this, they're flown out to Las Vegas for 5 days.. one of which is spent playing out their final table, the other 4? Well, enjoying Vegas. So here's to hoping Nathan plays out of his skin and wins a seat in Vegas on the 25th, because I've already booked myself in as his +1 and quite frankly, a free trip to Vegas is probably on the top of my Christmas list this year.
Having managed to convince Rich that Nottingham is probably the best poker-related idea since we discovered we both play regularly, he's coming for the journey too on the promise that I'll be drinking throughout Saturday night...
So this has been sat here since Saturday night...
And being Thursday, two days before Nottingham, I've just got back to writing it. Nathan landed at Heathrow at approximately 7:30pm.. he was in the car by 7:58 and in Pure just before 10. Pretty good effort on all accounts. His revenge though? Making me shake on a Vegas trip this year. There's a picture on Facebook that's upside down (Rich isn't very good at using technology when he's drunk) of the agreement so I guess that's locked in. As if I didn't have enough to worry about.. I now have a two week engagement in Vegas to be considered a 'working' holiday. Brilliant. Cheers Nath.
I've kinda forgotten my point, so here's a whole new one!
I have a lot to learn with this blogging business. Such as finishing what you start (hands up, I've never been good at this) and being decisive in your subjects. I think one of my specialties is avoiding the latter purely to allow myself to ramble on, become distracted and talk about something entirely unrelated - much like I'm doing now. So, I'll put a close on this one. After dropping a few people home tonight I wound up in one of those really awkward "are we really having this conversation" moments, you know, the kind of conversation that's acceptable after you've had a drink but is probably best left alone when you're sober? Yup. One of those. I'm glad it happened though; really opened my eyes to an issue I've never really considered before, and something I'd like to share with you incase you ever find yourself in the same / similar situation. If just one person can take something away from this? I'm pleased I wrote it.
It's OK to lose, as long as you learn something...
This is pretty personal to me right now; to the point that I'm still weighing up the pros and cons in my head of writing it / posting it. If anything? Leaves me leaving pretty vulnerable, but sometimes that's for the best. I could probably rattle on for hours about social dynamics, relationships, morality and ethics surrounding the two and so on and so forth. Without having actually taken a psychology degree I think it's one of the most fascinating unknowns that I should've probably pursued earlier in life. Every single person is like a puzzle, and without stroking my own ego, I'm usually pretty good at putting the pieces together; or at least, most of them. Everyone has little surprises they like to throw at you now and then; not to mention I'm more than capable of misreading scenarios / situations - but making mistakes is what keeps me thinking; and I appreciate that.
There's one topic in particular that's really been weighing on my mind recently so this is part of the process in overcoming it I guess. The topic in question..?
If you ever really want something; you have to be prepared to lose it completely...
I can't begin to stress enough how much the above is relevant in so many scenarios around not only myself, but also those in my closest social circles and beyond. It's pretty fascinating how we see people around us as a certain 'something'; whether it be purely platonic, a drinking buddy, an ex, a friend with benefits, someone you 'like', the nice guy, the player, the regret (we've all had those, right?), the sibling you never had.. Everyone around you is different in some way or another, and part of social circles is appreciating that diversity; how everyone as an individual makes up such an extensive, complex network of personalities that fulfill your lifestyle. Sometimes the descriptions can cross over, for example, a certain someone might be the friend with benefits that you've got feelings for (get out of that scenario asap!)
For now I'll address only one of the above, and probably the hardest one to come to terms with. "Someone you like". Pretty bitter pill to swallow sometimes, right?
There's so many complications when it comes to someone you have an emotional investment in that you're not actually with. What your / their current situation is, how they perceive you and how they think you perceive them, what you know of their history and what they know of yours. Fact of the matter is? You're involved in their lives for one reason or another, whether they're conscious of it or not. It's often said you don't know what you're missing until it's gone - and I hope whichever philosopher / songwriter / mentalist came up with that phrase realised just how correct they were at the time.
It's human nature to take things for granted, and unfortunately it's human nature to toss things aside when you're done with them. We all did it as kids and we all do it now. As soon as there's a new mobile phone on the market, we toss the old one. When you were playing computer games, the new one made the original obsolete and its still collecting dust on the shelf. When each person in your life has satisfied their purpose, they become disposable. The guilt only lasts for a little while because unfortunately, that very same human nature teaches us how to deal with rejection and how to grasp the concept of moving on; the longer it takes, the more it hurts, so my advice on that front is? Don't be judgmental, disappointed or begrudging; it's human nature after all.
Definitely good at that rambling business.. anyway, back to the point..
Despite everything said about human nature, we also control our own minds, thought processes (to a degree), what we say and how we say it. The one thing we don't really control? Is how we feel. Emotions are a funny old business that the most intelligent of people will never really truly work out, in my opinion. The funny thing is, a lot of people fall into relationships because they fear loneliness and have a craving for affection and emotional satisfaction. They need to be validated, accepted and appreciated by someone else in order to feel at ease with themselves. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but part of me makes me wonder how their relationships will turn out.. how happy they will be in the long run and if they're lying to themselves in order to convince everyone else that they're happy; or if they've never really run the risk of being alone to force themselves to be the best they can be, and have someone be the best they can be, for them.
The downside to independence and refusing to settle for second best? Opportunities are few and far between. Undoubtedly there will be relationships that try, and fail, but for the right reasons; rather than a necessity to 'have someone'. In discovering someone else, you might not realise it, but you consistently discover yourself. As unpredictable as others can be, no one will ever surprise you as much as you looking back on your own actions to see how you've changed, developed and grown as a person. It's a pretty refreshing reflection.
I'm sure I've rambled on and completely missed my point, but I guess if you're still reading, you found something to relate to. Maybe there will be a day I get round to explaining what I'm trying to explain with a clearer mind than I have done here. But not yet.
Take your time and consider your decisions; sometimes its best to leave your head in the clouds and let your heart take the plunge. Disappointment hurts, but nothing hurts more than never knowing..
