Falling Off the Wagon..

If you're gonna do something; don't do it by halves.

I guess this is really the only thing I've really remained true to throughout June. I really hate indecisiveness; I much prefer someone take a decision and run with it, even if it does turn out to be the wrong one by the end of it. A least it gives you the opportunity to reflect and learn instead of never knowing.

Before I get into this blog; I want to thank everyone I've had around throughout the past month as its consisted of some of the highest highs, yet also some of the less desirable lows that are just a by product of having a good time. I don't really do regrets; and anything I care to ramble about from here on certainly is no exception.

So, June. It's pretty much been one crazy party with a crushing hangover.. Quite literally.

After months of sobriety I decided to give myself the excuse of having a drink on birthday nights. Unfortunately, when you have quite a diverse and sporadic social circle.. Lots of people have birthdays. I won't blame your parents for enjoying the cold wintered nights with each other and actually, I just blame myself for succumbing to the seductive mistress that is a concoction of Jack Daniels, Jaegermeister, red bull and wine in all of its destructive, intoxicating forms.

My no drinking policy pretty much sailed out of the window, ran across the school field opposite my house and did a little dance for everyone lucky enough to inhabit Bexleyheath to see. In the process I've managed to be sick during a 5-a-side tournament, ruin one of my favourite shirts (sorry Ted, red wine and white shirts are a lethal combination) and fall out of favour with my bank manager. Thank fuck I don't bank with Natwest.

On the other hand, I've finally left the wonderful world of Burton (small round of applause from any current / former Arcadia employees appreciated) after five and a half years, somewhat befriend the security staff in both Affinity and Nyne (good people to know I'd bet), meet a few new faces and learn something new about some people I really didn't expect to... Including myself. I imagine the majority of you reading this will be pleased to hear I have practically nothing to say on the poker front (except a congratulations to Cem for winning himself a holiday to Vegas).

So where to start? I'm not really sure if I'm honest! I think my Facebook documents pretty well where I've been and who with in the past few weeks. Not to mention I probably don't really remember enough detail from any night out to tell you what's made each night amazing in its own right. One things for sure though; it's not necessarily where you are, but more the company you keep. I'm sure there's some quotes I should make an effort to remember.. "what I lack in technique I make up for in effort" detailing Rich's sex life for one. Sorry bud but that was too good to let go. Thankfully I tweeted "Hurry up and stick your finger in, my rice is getting cold".. I'll let you make of that what you will. What is it with everyone turning up at the Laughing Buddha when you're smashed and supposed to be heading home anyway? Managed it twice in consecutive weekends and was supposed to be there Saturday night but somehow convinced myself that bed was a better idea. Anyway; if you've been around, you know who you are, so thanks for burning holes in my wallet, making me feel incredibly lethargic and feeling sorry for myself. That might sound sarcastic but I'm being sincere;
for all the negatives, it's been worth it.

I guess the most exciting thing is my imminent change in career. How old am I..?

After a relatively unsuccessful job hunt pre-Christmas ( thanks in kind for completely ballsing up my second interview with Levi's.. Over confidence gets you nowhere ), I almost felt like I'd done too many interviews to fail another one. So, my CV was passed onto a recruitment consultancy based in the wonderful world of Swanley and I was invited to interview in their Head Office on a (ona auto-corrects to Obama on iPhones.. Weird) Thursday evening. I'm not normally one for nerves but I surprised myself. I found myself buying cigs for the first time in ages on my way, turned up half hour early and proceeded to smoke two before realising that walking into an interview smelling of smoke is one of the silliest things you can do. I guess a bad impression can only get better right? ( please don't take that seriously if you're interviewing somewhere.. Just don't smoke )

Anyway, they took me in 15 minutes early and I still found the nerves sending those really small, hardly noticeable tremors throughout my body. Thankfully no sweaty palms; but I realised for someone that can often be so confident and borderline arrogant; I was really apprehensive about the idea of selling myself.

For about 10 minutes.

Once in the interview and getting past the mundane, technical questions that employers have to ask; I found myself settling down and taking more risks in my responses. After all, why do I want a career in recruitment?

Simply? There's far more money in recruitment than there is in retail in our current economic climate, and that's likely to continue for years to come, if not indefinitely. High streets are dying because people and technology alike are making it consistently easier to discover value through online shopping or using different retailers for the same product at a cheaper price. This will be a tend that continues as far as I can imagine and frankly, leaves little hope for retail managers looking to further a career in a very stifled market. Despite my area manager's encouragement; there simply aren't enough stores being opened and enough money coming into stores to really ensure solid progression, substantial pay rises and ultimately, a better quality of life.

In recruitment however, theres demand. Demand means theres money. Where there's money, there's opportunity. I was offered the position before leaving the room on that Thursday evening and I didn't hesitate to accept; after all, I wasn't going to haggle with employers who were giving me precisely what I was asking for. For the first time in what feels like years, I'm genuinely excited at the prospect of a completely new role. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that won't last long in the grand scheme of things; but I made my intentions clear that I'll be looking to progress at the earliest opportunity, change offices and make money for the company, which in turn, makes me money. Retail will very rarely offer that. It also means I get to work the old "9-5", although I'm under no illusions - the harder / longer you work, the better for you in the long run.. But I get my weekends off to indulge in pub gardens and long lay-ins on Sundays. Tad excited.

I guess I'll take this opportunity to thank those that have supported me, from the relatively timid, awkward boy scout at 16 years of age walking around the Bluewater store tidying up suits to the somewhat bigger personality I am today. I'd like to think there's not a lot I haven't learned with regards to retail management, and people management will be a skill I will never underestimate. Good luck to all of you; and again, thank you.

Fathers' Day happened this month too. As a male, and a father to be ( I would hope, and no, no one is expecting as far as I know, I'm just talking future tense ), I think we can often be found guilty of overlooking Fathers' Day. In the past, I've done the simple thing of buying a card, some kind of novel present ( anyone that knows Mr Baxter will understand ) and leaving it downstairs just to show that I 'remembered' I have some kind of obligation to thank my old man for the past 23 years. This year however, I decided to do things a little differently.

One thing my brother and I always did with my dad was to go to boot fairs. He was away on Fathers' Day so we had to settle for it a week late. Unfortunately, it also happened to piss down with rain so we only had the pleasure of Welling School's incredibly limited, bric-a-brac, hand-me-down indoor stalls. After driving to three sites that were all closed; the day was pretty much a wash out. We treated the old man to a cafe breakfast all the same ( Sainsbury's Crayford.. I wouldn't recommend it ) and more importantly, spent a good 6 hours or so as Father and Sons. It's been a long time since we've had the opportunity and I think he appreciated it, at least I'd hope so. Anyway, moral of the story is, I discovered I can actually be incredibly thoughtful when I want to be, and Lyon know what? It felt good. It still does infact. Do something that requires a but of thought next year; you won regret it.


I guess this brings me into the slightly deep, relatively emotional side of my blog where certain individuals love reading between the lines and picking me apart for it later. Enjoy kids ;).

It's been a really, really strange month. For obvious reasons I won't name names, but anything I do say on here; I hope you don't mind me sharing it.

The first thing that really got this month was playing a little game of Truths with someone. She asked something that actually really threw me at the time; "What's your saddest memory?"

I really had to search for an answer to it as its not something I've ever really considered, and for the sake of feeling a little vulnerable, I don't mind sharing my answer. My grandad's funeral a few years back. More specifically, the point in which my brother and I were stood either side of my old man having just come out of the crematorium main chamber. The service was hard enough to deal with, but I'd done pretty well in containing my emotions, up until the point that my dad turned to us and said something along the lines of "You two are supposed to be supporting me" as his first tear of the day rolled down his cheek. As a pillar of a man that I've leaned on so many times in the past, it's safe to say, this alone broke me. I was so wrapped up in containing my own grief I hadn't spared a thought for the man that had lost his father, and in one single moment, I was met with a crescendo of emotions that I still can't accurately describe. Talk about opening your mind..

It really made me realise that I think I'm somewhat lucky to be able to emotionally disconnect myself in certain scenarios, if a little inhuman. More importantly, it also made me realise that I guess I have a heart. If you read this by the way, thanks :).

As if my own emotional roller coaster wasn't enough, I found myself in two other conversations that were completely unexpected.. It's hard to get across the message without detailing things but I'll do my best as I wouldn't want to break their trust.

So the first was a phone call whilst I was at work with a somewhat 'different' request.. To pop round when I can and check up on their mum. Like a lot of my close friends, I have a habit of calling mums, well, 'mum'. Just something I've always done out of respect and will continue to do so providing that's how they're introduced. What touched me was the fact that I'm seen in that light I guess. If I'm completely transparent, its like walking into territory that I really don't think I'm going to be comfortable with, so I've put it off a little longer than I intended. I'll be round in the week, by the way; sorry it's not been sooner.

The second really came out of the blue, and there are rarely times I'm lost for words, but this was one of them. Similarly, it relates to a friends' parents and is an incredibly difficult situation to come to terms with. Eye-opening again was that they came to me to ask how I cope with dealing with everyone else's burdens whilst also carrying our own. I'm flattered, honoured and frankly, proud. But it's far from easy, and I sympathise completely. Sometimes we really forget to ask how someone is when we're busy off-loading all of our issues and not taking time to consider theirs. If you just felt a slight pang of guilt; remember to ask next time. It's not difficult. And they will appreciate it.

I had one of those moments where I think of the right words at the right time, as follows..

"The heaviest burdens to bear are not ours to bear alone. No matter how things are between us, I'll always be there to share them."

Rocks have feelings too y'know :).

Hope you found something in there worth relating to.. Was a strange experience writing that one. Take care of yourselves, and those that mean the most.

~ Rick

Understanding Internalisms and Dealing with Externalisms

So I definitely made up the terms "Internalisms" and "Externalisms" but hopefully I'll make sense of them somewhere in this blog.

It's true what they say about never knowing what tomorrow brings.. This morning I was greeted by someone I work *with* (credit to someone that gave me a life lesson regarding how we see people within a work environment no matter their status) that seems to 'always' come worse off in any given situation. It's flattering that someone 25 years my senior would come to me for an opinion I might add. Without going into details about her personal life, I found myself talking about the very title of this blog so hey, why not share it?

The long and short of it is, after many years with her partner, a son together, several homes with the only thing missing being a declaration of vows and a wedding ring; he took it upon himself to turn everything on its head for what I can only assume was satisfying his own ego and leave for another woman.

Perhaps not to such an extremity but I'm sure a lot of people reading this can relate.. Infact, I'm sure some of those reading have been 'that guy'... I'll reserve my judgement. Each to their own and I'm sure you have your reasons.

I'm fortunate enough to have never really been on either side of that situation (as far as I'm aware!) but this blog isn't really about that specifically; but moreso what it means and how to deal with it; hence the title.

Sometimes when you think you've hit the bottom, you can't see anything positive to draw on and you're not quite sure when your break is due; you have to come to the point of understanding that your own happiness is on the back of your own merit. I'm sure I've touched on this before but I found myself explaining it all over again.

The theory itself is really basic in principle, or so I'd like to think.

Internalisms..

By this; I simply mean, everything that we influence and control within ourselves.

Too often do I doubt what I'm doing on a daily basis, asking myself if I'm truly doing all I can to maximise my satisfaction, and the simple answer is; no. For example, despite firing my CV off to numerous agencies, websites and so on before Christmas last year, I never really took the time to look over what I'd written on it three years ago. Was it still relevant to who I am today? Did it really reflect my behaviours, achievements, goals and transferable skills? Not particularly. If I'm honest, it still doesn't, although it reads a lot better than it did those three years ago. For any roles I've applied for and not heard back from; I have no one to blame but myself. I've never really given myself the best opportunity I can, and until I do, I can never be completely satisfied with my efforts.

The same applies to relationships, friendships, sports, gaming (former WoW player here.. Don't ask) and just about any other aspect of life I could think to apply it to. I guess as I started on the theme of relationships it's the next natural explanation..

Unfortunately I think the large majority f people fall into the 'beauty of hindsight' category and never really see mistakes when they're making them; only after they've been made and they're beyond rectification. In relationships its easy to take someone else, and everything they do, for granted. What we never really consider is precisely what we do for them, why we do it, what it means to then and if we're really demonstrating our best selves throughout the relationship. People aren't perfect and I'm not naive enough to discount that; but there is almost always that little bit more we could've done, or rather, should've. More often than not we've suffered a moment where a slip of empathy means we've never really considered what saying something means to a significant other, or worse, not saying anything at all. I'm definitely about to contradict myself but for one, it demonstrates that such matters aren't black and white, and secondly, it's 1am on a Tuesday (technically Wednesday?) and I'm rambling - bear with me ;).

The point I'm trying to make is; our actions, thoughts and feelings that we are accountable for, are our responsibility and ultimately; we have no one to answer to but ourselves. If you can't be happy with yourself, who can you be happy with? Or, in an alternative light, who could ever be happy with you?

Externalisms however..

Are predominately the thoughts, feelings an emotions you associate with someone or indeed something else's doing. If Internalisms are an action, Externalisms are a reaction. More often than not; other people's actions are beyond your means of control (I'd hope that's the case anyway!).

Personally I find it easier to relate Internalisms as positives and therefore Externalisms negatives; although this isn't always the case. Obviously someone doing something nice for you is a positive Externalism; and your reaction will likely be a positive (unless you're an ungrateful misog). In the case of relationships though (we can argue friendships fall into this broader category for what it's worth); we can be very quick to highlight several negatives and overlook the positives. It's human nature in most of us and I'm sure any poker player can tell you a thousand bad beat stories as opposed to when they rode their luck (nearly got there without a poker reference but there's the slip.. Sorry!).

We forget about the mornings that our other halves made us a cup of tea before we had to head out to work, because we like to moan about how inconsiderate they are the one day they forget.. Straying from the point, aren't I?

In the case of my colleague above; there is absolutely nothing she can do now that he's decided to move on because it's a factor outside of her control. He's responsible for his own mind as she is hers, and it's very unlikely that his mind will change once it's been made up. The simple fact of the matter is, that it leaves two options. The first being the least favourable, the negative, downbeat attitude that can't ever seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The alternative; getting over it, moving on and *accepting* that's what's done is done. Deal with it. The only thing you can really relate back to in terms of an explanation is; "Did I do everything I could have done to put myself in the best possible situation?". If the answer is no, then at least you've found something to work on and improve for next time round. Providing you want it, because after all, there will always be a next time if you want it enough.

Life's a pretty tough game in the grand scheme of things, but if you want to enjoy it? That's all down to you.