Understanding Internalisms and Dealing with Externalisms

So I definitely made up the terms "Internalisms" and "Externalisms" but hopefully I'll make sense of them somewhere in this blog.

It's true what they say about never knowing what tomorrow brings.. This morning I was greeted by someone I work *with* (credit to someone that gave me a life lesson regarding how we see people within a work environment no matter their status) that seems to 'always' come worse off in any given situation. It's flattering that someone 25 years my senior would come to me for an opinion I might add. Without going into details about her personal life, I found myself talking about the very title of this blog so hey, why not share it?

The long and short of it is, after many years with her partner, a son together, several homes with the only thing missing being a declaration of vows and a wedding ring; he took it upon himself to turn everything on its head for what I can only assume was satisfying his own ego and leave for another woman.

Perhaps not to such an extremity but I'm sure a lot of people reading this can relate.. Infact, I'm sure some of those reading have been 'that guy'... I'll reserve my judgement. Each to their own and I'm sure you have your reasons.

I'm fortunate enough to have never really been on either side of that situation (as far as I'm aware!) but this blog isn't really about that specifically; but moreso what it means and how to deal with it; hence the title.

Sometimes when you think you've hit the bottom, you can't see anything positive to draw on and you're not quite sure when your break is due; you have to come to the point of understanding that your own happiness is on the back of your own merit. I'm sure I've touched on this before but I found myself explaining it all over again.

The theory itself is really basic in principle, or so I'd like to think.

Internalisms..

By this; I simply mean, everything that we influence and control within ourselves.

Too often do I doubt what I'm doing on a daily basis, asking myself if I'm truly doing all I can to maximise my satisfaction, and the simple answer is; no. For example, despite firing my CV off to numerous agencies, websites and so on before Christmas last year, I never really took the time to look over what I'd written on it three years ago. Was it still relevant to who I am today? Did it really reflect my behaviours, achievements, goals and transferable skills? Not particularly. If I'm honest, it still doesn't, although it reads a lot better than it did those three years ago. For any roles I've applied for and not heard back from; I have no one to blame but myself. I've never really given myself the best opportunity I can, and until I do, I can never be completely satisfied with my efforts.

The same applies to relationships, friendships, sports, gaming (former WoW player here.. Don't ask) and just about any other aspect of life I could think to apply it to. I guess as I started on the theme of relationships it's the next natural explanation..

Unfortunately I think the large majority f people fall into the 'beauty of hindsight' category and never really see mistakes when they're making them; only after they've been made and they're beyond rectification. In relationships its easy to take someone else, and everything they do, for granted. What we never really consider is precisely what we do for them, why we do it, what it means to then and if we're really demonstrating our best selves throughout the relationship. People aren't perfect and I'm not naive enough to discount that; but there is almost always that little bit more we could've done, or rather, should've. More often than not we've suffered a moment where a slip of empathy means we've never really considered what saying something means to a significant other, or worse, not saying anything at all. I'm definitely about to contradict myself but for one, it demonstrates that such matters aren't black and white, and secondly, it's 1am on a Tuesday (technically Wednesday?) and I'm rambling - bear with me ;).

The point I'm trying to make is; our actions, thoughts and feelings that we are accountable for, are our responsibility and ultimately; we have no one to answer to but ourselves. If you can't be happy with yourself, who can you be happy with? Or, in an alternative light, who could ever be happy with you?

Externalisms however..

Are predominately the thoughts, feelings an emotions you associate with someone or indeed something else's doing. If Internalisms are an action, Externalisms are a reaction. More often than not; other people's actions are beyond your means of control (I'd hope that's the case anyway!).

Personally I find it easier to relate Internalisms as positives and therefore Externalisms negatives; although this isn't always the case. Obviously someone doing something nice for you is a positive Externalism; and your reaction will likely be a positive (unless you're an ungrateful misog). In the case of relationships though (we can argue friendships fall into this broader category for what it's worth); we can be very quick to highlight several negatives and overlook the positives. It's human nature in most of us and I'm sure any poker player can tell you a thousand bad beat stories as opposed to when they rode their luck (nearly got there without a poker reference but there's the slip.. Sorry!).

We forget about the mornings that our other halves made us a cup of tea before we had to head out to work, because we like to moan about how inconsiderate they are the one day they forget.. Straying from the point, aren't I?

In the case of my colleague above; there is absolutely nothing she can do now that he's decided to move on because it's a factor outside of her control. He's responsible for his own mind as she is hers, and it's very unlikely that his mind will change once it's been made up. The simple fact of the matter is, that it leaves two options. The first being the least favourable, the negative, downbeat attitude that can't ever seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The alternative; getting over it, moving on and *accepting* that's what's done is done. Deal with it. The only thing you can really relate back to in terms of an explanation is; "Did I do everything I could have done to put myself in the best possible situation?". If the answer is no, then at least you've found something to work on and improve for next time round. Providing you want it, because after all, there will always be a next time if you want it enough.

Life's a pretty tough game in the grand scheme of things, but if you want to enjoy it? That's all down to you.