Life is easy...

... until you let emotions get involved.

If you're reading this, I guess you chose to given I decided against sharing it like I usually do.

So I've had a pretty weird week to reflect on. I caught up with a couple of people I haven't seen in a long time, had a pretty significant achievement to note which I'll go into at a later date. It's been rounded off with one of my favourite films; Hitch. Naturally sooner or later I ended up thinking about far too much and it culminated in a plethora of thoughts that I'll express here.

When I was younger, a good friend of mine introduced me to a community, a philosophy and a structure relating to social interaction and how we develop friendships, relationships and whatever else we want from those around us, or indeed those we want around us.

At first, it was a revelation. Like anything with a multitude of levels, I took an interest in it and put the theories into practice. In honesty, I achieved more than I could have ever have expected and thought I'd found a place in which I was incredibly happy - my social circles grew, I was far more confident than I ever considered I could be and the only thing I wasn't content with, was my job.

Nine months down the line, I've found myself in a career that I'm passionate about with opportunities to progress moreso than I ever had previously. This week I was presented with the chance to step up to a consultant role in Chelmsford. It's my first real challenge, which will allow me to demonstrate my abilities and become a real reflection on what I've learnt and how to apply myself to my own desk. I'm incredibly confident, slightly anxious and beyond excited to get started at the earliest opportunity - there's work to be done and rewards to be had at the end of it.

So, with the job in line, being the only thing I wasn't entirely satisfied with, you could safely assume I'm on tip top form without a care in the world...

Unfortunately, circumstances change. With relevance to the title, on paper, everything is going well. Beneath the surface however; everything I studied, learnt, analysed and developed kind of fell apart. My social circles are still as they have been, I still meet new people on a regular basis, still have the same close friends I've always considered as such, but emotions certainly got in the way.

I've always been a firm believer in following your heart over your head. When it goes well, there's no better feeling; the euphoria is almost indescribable and despite the lows being almost unbearable at the worst of times; you struggle through them because you know coming out the other side is better than you've ever experienced before. Sometimes your head is frustrating to the point of telling you that everything isn't as it should be; or not quite what you want. Suddenly things aren't as simple as they should be because what you feel is clouding what you think. Perhaps however, it should be considered the other way round.

Back to Hitch, and a quote or two I want to end on..

"Because thats what people do... they leap and hope to God they can fly! Because otherwise, we just drop like a rock... wondering the whole way down..."why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am..."

Perhaps more relevantly?

"When you're wondering what to say or how you look, just remember, she's already out with you. That means she said yes when she could have said no. That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off. So that means it's no longer your job to make her like you. It's your job not to mess it up."

Identifying your mistakes is the first step to rectifying them. How to do that exactly? Well, I'm working on it.

Inspiration

Those closest to me, and some of those a little further away could tell you a few key things about me.
    1. I'm terrible with money. The more I earn, the more ways I find to spend it unnecessarily.
    2. I like using fairly complicated words when occasion calls for it and I tend to develop insightful phrases at every given opportunity.
    3. I'm incredibly opinionated, expressive, challenging and generally unmanageable. Decidedly unapologetic too.

I touched on my last blog about having people in my life that I find inspirational and that I'm quite lucky in the sense that I have them in abundance. After a lengthy conversation with a friend of mine about her career prospects, ambitions and goals; I found myself immersed in the topic of inspiration and ultimately decided that I'd share my thoughts.

What does 'inspiration' mean to you?

As part of my developing role at work, the question was put to me; 'What are your ambitions, how much will they cost you and what will you do to succeed?', followed by a simple spreadsheet prompting a response to what I want to have and what I want to do. The general feedback I had from others that had completed the same spreadsheet was an uplift in motivation and a sudden passion to begin performing to their maximum potential. Money is obviously a significant motivator, but somehow, I don't think it had the desired affect when I sat down to consider the possibilities.

In turn, this made me consider what it is that drives people to get out of bed, to go to work, to envision their future and to consistently develop themselves as people in order to get where they want to be and own everything they've ever dreamed of. Perhaps in my opening paragraph I should have listed number 4 to highlight my cynicism, but in reality, I don't think the two are strictly hand in hand.

I find it hard to define myself between the boundaries of optimism, pessimism and realism. I think I'm guilty of falling into all three categories dependant on how I'm feeling and what it is I'm contemplating at the time. When it comes to ambition however, I very much think I fall into what I'd consider the middle category, realism. Truth is, I have no real drive to spend endless hours immersed in scenic locations or to be photographed next to historic landmarks. It doesn't mean they're not things I wouldn't enjoy, because undoubtedly I would - but naturally, I could live without them.

My short term goals predominantly focus on clearing my debt, somewhat minimal yet also needless. It only exists due to excessive expenditure and poor money management, so ultimately, I have to refocus my finances and learn to make better financial decisions. Decisions that I should really stick to, because I've created multiple spreadsheets tracking my out-goings, prioritising my payments and precisely where I should be distributing my income. Unfortunately I'm heading towards the age in which I should be suitably independent; I know this, and I've probably known it for a few years now, yet I've failed to acknowledge it.

Following that, I want to be in a position to buy myself a new car, overhaul my wardrobe (far too many Burton tags still in there for my liking) and then reconsider my options going forward. In truth, my long term ambitions are probably relatively straightforward; marriage, kids, a comfortable home in a good area and so on. If that makes me distinctly average? So be it. I don't think there's ever been a price on happiness.

To be inspired is great, to inspire is incredible

Referring back to the discussion that got me onto this trail of thought...

The friend in question is already in a stable, well paid career, a happy relationship and looking to buy her second home. She asked my opinion given my recent position in recruitment regarding a change of career, possibly as a 'career break' but essentially without sacrificing her current salary, with interests in management, law and teaching - three fields in which she has little experience of and no formal qualifications in. Typically, you'd assume the barriers to entry are far too prominent to overcome, but I think this can be challenged. We're fortunate enough to be in the midst of a technological era in which social networking opens opportunities that wouldn't be available to us even ten years ago, possibly less. "If opportunity doesn't come knocking, build a door" - this couldn't be any more relevant than it is today. We live in a world in which we have opportunities to contact people across the world in any given industry.

Following this, she also expressed an interest in psychotherapy and hypnotism, to which a course was available for a reasonable yet not excessive fee. Doing this would give the opportunity to work for herself, and realistically? The financial rewards are limitless. Again, social media and 'viral' internet material opens the world to a whole host of clientèle to work with to the extent that selling anything is far more possible than it ever has been. In closing, I left her with the same sentiment that I'll end this blog with:

If you're passionate about it, you'd be silly not to do it.

If you were to do it and fail, you can at least be proud for chasing your dreams.

If you never even started, you'll forever rue what could have been.

I know which option I'd rather not have to live with.

I hope if you've taken the time to read this you'll at least consider what inspires you and how far you can explore your own potential.

Only a fool would ever give up on something worth fighting for..

I haven't written a blog since October 29th, 2012. I'm still struggling to work out if that's because I haven't needed some kind of outlet, motivation, direction... or I'm just getting a little bit more reserved. Maybe things would be better than they have been if I'd have written something sooner, who knows? That being said, things are far, far from bad, hence the blog.

The Wonderful World of Recruitment

So I've been in recruitment for just over seven months now and I honestly am yet to have a day I look back on and think "Why didn't I stay in retail..?". I've never been as disappointed, disheartened, frustrated or stressed in the same way I am by recruitment on almost a daily basis. The nature of the business is so unpredictable the old saying of "No day is ever the same" rings true more so than I've ever experienced previously. Fortunately a new challenge every day keeps me on my toes and having to deal with a multitude of personalities will never get boring. It's often said that sales people aren't in a 'real job', but the reality is that there's no successful business that didn't start by selling something, be it a product, a service or an idea. In a relatively short space of time; I think I've found a career with limitless opportunity, and for all of it's frustrations, an environment in which those that want to, will thrive more so than in any other industry.

So what does the future hold..?

Rome wasn't built in a day, nor was anyone's future defined in a moment. I recently sat one of the most difficult interviews I've ever undertaken (I've only had six in 24 years, so I didn't have much in terms of experience to rely on), and I probably couldn't think back to a time in which I've been more nervous. I'm sure when I stand up, mic in hand at my brother's wedding in August I'll feel something similar, but at least I'll be a little more prepared; or so I hope. After being subject to a line of questioning I really wasn't prepared for; what events in my childhood shaped who I am today? How would my best friends describe me and what examples could I give? How do I handle rejection?

Ironically they're all questions in place not so much for the answers themselves but rather how they're handled and the thought processes behind it. The interview was more a judge of character than it was extracting knowledge. Ultimately, I know I could've done better but in the same respect I've landed myself on a training course this week with a view to progression in the immediate future; I'm still a touch disappointed, sometimes 'doing enough' isn't quite as satisfactory as exceeding expectations.

Following the interview I had a lot of time to reflect, think and meditate (you read right). The latter is a new process; I often find myself too caught up in my own head and over thinking / analysing far too frequently. I was introduced to the idea two years ago but never really took it seriously until a culmination of suggestions, philosophies and ideologies tied everything together.

I've been incredibly lucky recently to have people around me that are quite frankly inspiring in their ambitions. I don't think I need to mention names, but to anyone that's given me insight whether it be relating to work, poker, relationships and friendships; thank you.

For anyone else that's interested in challenging their perceptions and improving their abilities in dealing with people, I can't do more than recommend "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carneige. I'm only a few chapters in but I've already found it incredibly influential and I'm sure my next blog will elaborate on how its affected me, and how it can help you.

Enjoy :)

A Piece on Online Dating

First things first, I want to say a sincere thank you to everyone that's been around for the past couple of weeks. Seems a lot of people read my last blog and made a conscious effort to find out how both I & my mum are - certainly didn't go unnoticed and I genuinely appreciate it. She's in good health and I'm sure the fact that she's having people round for dinner and the abundance of flowers and cards that have turned up are a positive sign despite playing havoc with mine and the old man's sinuses. I don't think there's much more to say on the topic, so... thank you.

Online Dating... Why?

Being one with a plethora of opinions about, well, almost everything, I seem to be getting questioned on the nature of online dating recently. Personally, it's something I've never done, but I'm neither for nor against it. People have various reasons for signing up to dating sites in the first place and a few of my friends definitely demonstrate the benefits no matter what you're looking to get out of it. Without delving into detail, if you're looking for something serious, lasting and opening your catchment area to beyond your local area - there's multiple sites that are laden with equally minded people from all corners of society. On the flipside, if you're looking for something more casual, laid back and simply easy.. well, it doesn't get much easier. Tell someone you'll meet them at Reading festival, treat them to a can of Fosters and they'll stay the night in your tent (you know who you are, good work!)

Not that I like taking credit for anything...

A friend of mine asked me best part of two years ago if I'd had any experience with online dating. Besides hearing of friends that had used it and having a look at POF (I think I have a really, really incomplete profile somewhere?) I'd never actually (and still to this day haven't) used it, nor intend to. After a couple of hours discussing his success rate, his messages and how he came across however, we took a bet on how many replies he'd get to a message I designed for him. I think I might have shot myself in the foot given that if I was to start online dating, I probably couldn't use it myself, but hey ho, creativity is a blessing right? I'm in two minds about sharing it on here but I'll err on the side of caution and keep it to myself (well, ourselves, technically). Regardless, he sent my message out after putting his own little spin on it (important to stay true to yourself!) and the next time we met, I was more impressed than I thought I'd be. In an average of ten messages he was lucky to get two replies.. using what I'd modelled for him, he had four dates lined up for the following week. Safe to say I'd dropped myself in the deep end and I'd be spending many a Tuesday night dissecting the results of his dates - but he had a fairly refreshing presence about him and to this day it's safe to say taking a new angle worked wonders for him.

He's currently dating someone not necessarily regarded as 'his type' but he seems pretty smitten, and given that I hear more about her than I ask for, I'm chuffed for him (you're not letting her read this are you..? Sorry fella!). Without doubt his experience is probably the most satisfying and rewarding element of online dating that I've been somewhat 'involved' with. Safe to say, if I was ever to partake in it myself, I'd be asking him for a word of advice or two. Funnily enough, his new better half is also the one that asked the question "Why doesn't Rick do it?" - I'll answer that at the end of this post.

On the flipside..

I have two friends, ironically, same age, similar backgrounds, social circles and the like that have entered the world of online dating. One has been using it for a while with various successes whilst the other is fresh to the whole concept and to a certain degree; I'm not sure if she knew what to expect.

My early and fairly naive view of online dating that anyone partaking in it has to have 'something wrong' with them in some way. Bit harsh giving it a blanket impression but to a degree I don't think I was entirely misled. There are a lot (probably more than I imagined) of genuine, sincere and honest people that use online dating for a multitude of reasons including time constraints, geographical issues and the challenges of breaking the ice face to face. There are however, a huge collection of social oddities and misguided individuals that tend to take the time pursuing options that they probably shouldn't. It's a good ego boost for some though, so they're not all that bad to have around. Besides, everyone loves a compliment, and they're pretty harmless. The old saying states there's "someone for everyone", so good luck to them.

...

I think I fell asleep when I was writing this two weeks ago and I've lost my trail of thought but someone asked me to post it regardless, so here it is. I guess the long and short of it is, online dating is a huge minefield littered with individuals that all have their different reasons for being part of it. Personally, I don't think you can ever truly judge someone *without* face value, but I guess it's a good a means of an introduction as any. Its also far too easy to use as a means of making up for your latest failed relationship..

If you're into online..? Good luck to you. In the meantime, I prefer the real world!

Long, Long Overdue..

What a weekend. What a month. Well, maybe more like three.

I guess this blog post has been well and beyond overdue. I've spent my Sunday on call (more on that later) tidying, clearing out and rediscovering some things I'd long forgotten about. Notably a leaving card that reads - "It's been good getting to know you, so please stay in touch! Good luck in your new job. Don't get complacent on the blog updates, you know how much I enjoy them!"...

Talk about guilt trip.

Working Sundays.. that must suck, right?

So, I'm sure the majority of people that tend to read this given the opportunity are well aware I'm somewhat settled in a new job. After 6 somewhat lengthy years in the wonderful world of retail, I've made a fairly smooth transition into the demanding, exceptionally fast paced industry that is temporary recruitment. In complete honesty and transparency I couldn't have seen myself doing it ~7 months ago but I genuinely couldn't be much happier. After sinking deep into the comfort zone of the same area manager and the same contacts in the retail industry since the tender age of 16 it's a pretty daunting experience facing up to the prospect of working with people you don't know in a completely different job role to the one previous. That being said, as daunting as it may have been, there's so many positives to look forward to. Not only the obvious pay difference (which, lets face it, all of us work for), there's a change of scenery, potential opportunities and career development - far more positives than negatives to say the least.

I'm incredibly fortunate to be working on a busy driving desk based out of Swanley given it's one of the company's longest running and undoubtedly one of the most successful. Thursday gone was undoubtedly a highlight of my 12 weeks with Swanstaff. The year is targeted by quarters and after a lot of quick learning (by that, I mean being dumped in the deep end whilst my newly acquired manager spent my third and fourth weeks sunning himself in Kos), and an abundance of cigarettes, it was announced that we'd more than achieved our target and earnt a healthy bonus due to be paid at the end of October. On a personal level, it's a huge incentive for me to keep performing - a reasonable lump sum bonus pays off one of my debts. One down at the end of the month with two to go? Happy days. Bring on the Ferrari come August.

Don't get me wrong though, every positive has to have some degree of negativity to balance it out. One essential factor in providing staff to several different industries is accessibility. Some of our clients work 24/7 and therefore we're required to be available to meet those demands. On call isn't so bad though, once every 5 weekends and one night of the week, which is generally pretty quiet providing everyone in the office has done their job properly throughout the day / week...

I've got plenty more to write but when I'm almost guaranteed a 4am wake-up call and I'm due in the office at 6, it's probably best I get a couple of hours shut-eye. Look out for an update! Ciao for now.

Famous Last Words

Given the blog was on a pretty spectacular note throughout; it doesn't take much to bring someone crashing back down to reality. Tuesday's are supposed to be like every other Tuesday. A little £5 pub poker game with banter, laughs and good company. I thought it was going the same way and despite a pretty early exit from the poker, I was in my usual high spirits.

Unfortunately, nature has an incredibly twisted means of dealing a pretty nasty hand. I got a text telling me "not to worry" despite the fact my mum was in hospital.. Not sure about anyone reading this but I think that's pretty good reason to worry.

After an incredibly sleepless night, blood tests at 4am and so on, I struggled through work on Wednesday. Safe to say my head wasn't really where it should've been, but on the flip side, there wasn't much else I could do. Sitting at home was probably the worst of my options regardless.

I can only assume tomorrow will be much of the same when she heads "downstairs" as the (and this is going to sound rather sinister), 'regulars' would call it. I'm not a fan of hospitals as it is, but seeing your mother (a very youthful looking) 60 years of age in a ward with women all closer to 80, it's a pretty surreal experience - and one I don't think I'll ever enjoy.

I don't think I could face being there tomorrow so I've opted to work through it and take Friday off to, I dunno, 'support' her recovery? With any joy she'll be out on Saturday; just a little scattier than usual given present company.

Sometimes I think we're a little too quick to neglect how much family can really mean to us. It's certainly nothing short of a wake up call and I'm not ashamed to admit that I have no idea what I'd make of the situation if it was a little more serious than its proves to be. I'm usually a little more reserved with my emotions and feelings in general, but I have nothing but the utmost respect, admiration and love for the woman that made me the man I am today.

I guess this blog serves as a pretty effective outlet afterall... Sorry this one doesn't come with a happy ending.

~ Rick

Falling Off the Wagon..

If you're gonna do something; don't do it by halves.

I guess this is really the only thing I've really remained true to throughout June. I really hate indecisiveness; I much prefer someone take a decision and run with it, even if it does turn out to be the wrong one by the end of it. A least it gives you the opportunity to reflect and learn instead of never knowing.

Before I get into this blog; I want to thank everyone I've had around throughout the past month as its consisted of some of the highest highs, yet also some of the less desirable lows that are just a by product of having a good time. I don't really do regrets; and anything I care to ramble about from here on certainly is no exception.

So, June. It's pretty much been one crazy party with a crushing hangover.. Quite literally.

After months of sobriety I decided to give myself the excuse of having a drink on birthday nights. Unfortunately, when you have quite a diverse and sporadic social circle.. Lots of people have birthdays. I won't blame your parents for enjoying the cold wintered nights with each other and actually, I just blame myself for succumbing to the seductive mistress that is a concoction of Jack Daniels, Jaegermeister, red bull and wine in all of its destructive, intoxicating forms.

My no drinking policy pretty much sailed out of the window, ran across the school field opposite my house and did a little dance for everyone lucky enough to inhabit Bexleyheath to see. In the process I've managed to be sick during a 5-a-side tournament, ruin one of my favourite shirts (sorry Ted, red wine and white shirts are a lethal combination) and fall out of favour with my bank manager. Thank fuck I don't bank with Natwest.

On the other hand, I've finally left the wonderful world of Burton (small round of applause from any current / former Arcadia employees appreciated) after five and a half years, somewhat befriend the security staff in both Affinity and Nyne (good people to know I'd bet), meet a few new faces and learn something new about some people I really didn't expect to... Including myself. I imagine the majority of you reading this will be pleased to hear I have practically nothing to say on the poker front (except a congratulations to Cem for winning himself a holiday to Vegas).

So where to start? I'm not really sure if I'm honest! I think my Facebook documents pretty well where I've been and who with in the past few weeks. Not to mention I probably don't really remember enough detail from any night out to tell you what's made each night amazing in its own right. One things for sure though; it's not necessarily where you are, but more the company you keep. I'm sure there's some quotes I should make an effort to remember.. "what I lack in technique I make up for in effort" detailing Rich's sex life for one. Sorry bud but that was too good to let go. Thankfully I tweeted "Hurry up and stick your finger in, my rice is getting cold".. I'll let you make of that what you will. What is it with everyone turning up at the Laughing Buddha when you're smashed and supposed to be heading home anyway? Managed it twice in consecutive weekends and was supposed to be there Saturday night but somehow convinced myself that bed was a better idea. Anyway; if you've been around, you know who you are, so thanks for burning holes in my wallet, making me feel incredibly lethargic and feeling sorry for myself. That might sound sarcastic but I'm being sincere;
for all the negatives, it's been worth it.

I guess the most exciting thing is my imminent change in career. How old am I..?

After a relatively unsuccessful job hunt pre-Christmas ( thanks in kind for completely ballsing up my second interview with Levi's.. Over confidence gets you nowhere ), I almost felt like I'd done too many interviews to fail another one. So, my CV was passed onto a recruitment consultancy based in the wonderful world of Swanley and I was invited to interview in their Head Office on a (ona auto-corrects to Obama on iPhones.. Weird) Thursday evening. I'm not normally one for nerves but I surprised myself. I found myself buying cigs for the first time in ages on my way, turned up half hour early and proceeded to smoke two before realising that walking into an interview smelling of smoke is one of the silliest things you can do. I guess a bad impression can only get better right? ( please don't take that seriously if you're interviewing somewhere.. Just don't smoke )

Anyway, they took me in 15 minutes early and I still found the nerves sending those really small, hardly noticeable tremors throughout my body. Thankfully no sweaty palms; but I realised for someone that can often be so confident and borderline arrogant; I was really apprehensive about the idea of selling myself.

For about 10 minutes.

Once in the interview and getting past the mundane, technical questions that employers have to ask; I found myself settling down and taking more risks in my responses. After all, why do I want a career in recruitment?

Simply? There's far more money in recruitment than there is in retail in our current economic climate, and that's likely to continue for years to come, if not indefinitely. High streets are dying because people and technology alike are making it consistently easier to discover value through online shopping or using different retailers for the same product at a cheaper price. This will be a tend that continues as far as I can imagine and frankly, leaves little hope for retail managers looking to further a career in a very stifled market. Despite my area manager's encouragement; there simply aren't enough stores being opened and enough money coming into stores to really ensure solid progression, substantial pay rises and ultimately, a better quality of life.

In recruitment however, theres demand. Demand means theres money. Where there's money, there's opportunity. I was offered the position before leaving the room on that Thursday evening and I didn't hesitate to accept; after all, I wasn't going to haggle with employers who were giving me precisely what I was asking for. For the first time in what feels like years, I'm genuinely excited at the prospect of a completely new role. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that won't last long in the grand scheme of things; but I made my intentions clear that I'll be looking to progress at the earliest opportunity, change offices and make money for the company, which in turn, makes me money. Retail will very rarely offer that. It also means I get to work the old "9-5", although I'm under no illusions - the harder / longer you work, the better for you in the long run.. But I get my weekends off to indulge in pub gardens and long lay-ins on Sundays. Tad excited.

I guess I'll take this opportunity to thank those that have supported me, from the relatively timid, awkward boy scout at 16 years of age walking around the Bluewater store tidying up suits to the somewhat bigger personality I am today. I'd like to think there's not a lot I haven't learned with regards to retail management, and people management will be a skill I will never underestimate. Good luck to all of you; and again, thank you.

Fathers' Day happened this month too. As a male, and a father to be ( I would hope, and no, no one is expecting as far as I know, I'm just talking future tense ), I think we can often be found guilty of overlooking Fathers' Day. In the past, I've done the simple thing of buying a card, some kind of novel present ( anyone that knows Mr Baxter will understand ) and leaving it downstairs just to show that I 'remembered' I have some kind of obligation to thank my old man for the past 23 years. This year however, I decided to do things a little differently.

One thing my brother and I always did with my dad was to go to boot fairs. He was away on Fathers' Day so we had to settle for it a week late. Unfortunately, it also happened to piss down with rain so we only had the pleasure of Welling School's incredibly limited, bric-a-brac, hand-me-down indoor stalls. After driving to three sites that were all closed; the day was pretty much a wash out. We treated the old man to a cafe breakfast all the same ( Sainsbury's Crayford.. I wouldn't recommend it ) and more importantly, spent a good 6 hours or so as Father and Sons. It's been a long time since we've had the opportunity and I think he appreciated it, at least I'd hope so. Anyway, moral of the story is, I discovered I can actually be incredibly thoughtful when I want to be, and Lyon know what? It felt good. It still does infact. Do something that requires a but of thought next year; you won regret it.


I guess this brings me into the slightly deep, relatively emotional side of my blog where certain individuals love reading between the lines and picking me apart for it later. Enjoy kids ;).

It's been a really, really strange month. For obvious reasons I won't name names, but anything I do say on here; I hope you don't mind me sharing it.

The first thing that really got this month was playing a little game of Truths with someone. She asked something that actually really threw me at the time; "What's your saddest memory?"

I really had to search for an answer to it as its not something I've ever really considered, and for the sake of feeling a little vulnerable, I don't mind sharing my answer. My grandad's funeral a few years back. More specifically, the point in which my brother and I were stood either side of my old man having just come out of the crematorium main chamber. The service was hard enough to deal with, but I'd done pretty well in containing my emotions, up until the point that my dad turned to us and said something along the lines of "You two are supposed to be supporting me" as his first tear of the day rolled down his cheek. As a pillar of a man that I've leaned on so many times in the past, it's safe to say, this alone broke me. I was so wrapped up in containing my own grief I hadn't spared a thought for the man that had lost his father, and in one single moment, I was met with a crescendo of emotions that I still can't accurately describe. Talk about opening your mind..

It really made me realise that I think I'm somewhat lucky to be able to emotionally disconnect myself in certain scenarios, if a little inhuman. More importantly, it also made me realise that I guess I have a heart. If you read this by the way, thanks :).

As if my own emotional roller coaster wasn't enough, I found myself in two other conversations that were completely unexpected.. It's hard to get across the message without detailing things but I'll do my best as I wouldn't want to break their trust.

So the first was a phone call whilst I was at work with a somewhat 'different' request.. To pop round when I can and check up on their mum. Like a lot of my close friends, I have a habit of calling mums, well, 'mum'. Just something I've always done out of respect and will continue to do so providing that's how they're introduced. What touched me was the fact that I'm seen in that light I guess. If I'm completely transparent, its like walking into territory that I really don't think I'm going to be comfortable with, so I've put it off a little longer than I intended. I'll be round in the week, by the way; sorry it's not been sooner.

The second really came out of the blue, and there are rarely times I'm lost for words, but this was one of them. Similarly, it relates to a friends' parents and is an incredibly difficult situation to come to terms with. Eye-opening again was that they came to me to ask how I cope with dealing with everyone else's burdens whilst also carrying our own. I'm flattered, honoured and frankly, proud. But it's far from easy, and I sympathise completely. Sometimes we really forget to ask how someone is when we're busy off-loading all of our issues and not taking time to consider theirs. If you just felt a slight pang of guilt; remember to ask next time. It's not difficult. And they will appreciate it.

I had one of those moments where I think of the right words at the right time, as follows..

"The heaviest burdens to bear are not ours to bear alone. No matter how things are between us, I'll always be there to share them."

Rocks have feelings too y'know :).

Hope you found something in there worth relating to.. Was a strange experience writing that one. Take care of yourselves, and those that mean the most.

~ Rick

Understanding Internalisms and Dealing with Externalisms

So I definitely made up the terms "Internalisms" and "Externalisms" but hopefully I'll make sense of them somewhere in this blog.

It's true what they say about never knowing what tomorrow brings.. This morning I was greeted by someone I work *with* (credit to someone that gave me a life lesson regarding how we see people within a work environment no matter their status) that seems to 'always' come worse off in any given situation. It's flattering that someone 25 years my senior would come to me for an opinion I might add. Without going into details about her personal life, I found myself talking about the very title of this blog so hey, why not share it?

The long and short of it is, after many years with her partner, a son together, several homes with the only thing missing being a declaration of vows and a wedding ring; he took it upon himself to turn everything on its head for what I can only assume was satisfying his own ego and leave for another woman.

Perhaps not to such an extremity but I'm sure a lot of people reading this can relate.. Infact, I'm sure some of those reading have been 'that guy'... I'll reserve my judgement. Each to their own and I'm sure you have your reasons.

I'm fortunate enough to have never really been on either side of that situation (as far as I'm aware!) but this blog isn't really about that specifically; but moreso what it means and how to deal with it; hence the title.

Sometimes when you think you've hit the bottom, you can't see anything positive to draw on and you're not quite sure when your break is due; you have to come to the point of understanding that your own happiness is on the back of your own merit. I'm sure I've touched on this before but I found myself explaining it all over again.

The theory itself is really basic in principle, or so I'd like to think.

Internalisms..

By this; I simply mean, everything that we influence and control within ourselves.

Too often do I doubt what I'm doing on a daily basis, asking myself if I'm truly doing all I can to maximise my satisfaction, and the simple answer is; no. For example, despite firing my CV off to numerous agencies, websites and so on before Christmas last year, I never really took the time to look over what I'd written on it three years ago. Was it still relevant to who I am today? Did it really reflect my behaviours, achievements, goals and transferable skills? Not particularly. If I'm honest, it still doesn't, although it reads a lot better than it did those three years ago. For any roles I've applied for and not heard back from; I have no one to blame but myself. I've never really given myself the best opportunity I can, and until I do, I can never be completely satisfied with my efforts.

The same applies to relationships, friendships, sports, gaming (former WoW player here.. Don't ask) and just about any other aspect of life I could think to apply it to. I guess as I started on the theme of relationships it's the next natural explanation..

Unfortunately I think the large majority f people fall into the 'beauty of hindsight' category and never really see mistakes when they're making them; only after they've been made and they're beyond rectification. In relationships its easy to take someone else, and everything they do, for granted. What we never really consider is precisely what we do for them, why we do it, what it means to then and if we're really demonstrating our best selves throughout the relationship. People aren't perfect and I'm not naive enough to discount that; but there is almost always that little bit more we could've done, or rather, should've. More often than not we've suffered a moment where a slip of empathy means we've never really considered what saying something means to a significant other, or worse, not saying anything at all. I'm definitely about to contradict myself but for one, it demonstrates that such matters aren't black and white, and secondly, it's 1am on a Tuesday (technically Wednesday?) and I'm rambling - bear with me ;).

The point I'm trying to make is; our actions, thoughts and feelings that we are accountable for, are our responsibility and ultimately; we have no one to answer to but ourselves. If you can't be happy with yourself, who can you be happy with? Or, in an alternative light, who could ever be happy with you?

Externalisms however..

Are predominately the thoughts, feelings an emotions you associate with someone or indeed something else's doing. If Internalisms are an action, Externalisms are a reaction. More often than not; other people's actions are beyond your means of control (I'd hope that's the case anyway!).

Personally I find it easier to relate Internalisms as positives and therefore Externalisms negatives; although this isn't always the case. Obviously someone doing something nice for you is a positive Externalism; and your reaction will likely be a positive (unless you're an ungrateful misog). In the case of relationships though (we can argue friendships fall into this broader category for what it's worth); we can be very quick to highlight several negatives and overlook the positives. It's human nature in most of us and I'm sure any poker player can tell you a thousand bad beat stories as opposed to when they rode their luck (nearly got there without a poker reference but there's the slip.. Sorry!).

We forget about the mornings that our other halves made us a cup of tea before we had to head out to work, because we like to moan about how inconsiderate they are the one day they forget.. Straying from the point, aren't I?

In the case of my colleague above; there is absolutely nothing she can do now that he's decided to move on because it's a factor outside of her control. He's responsible for his own mind as she is hers, and it's very unlikely that his mind will change once it's been made up. The simple fact of the matter is, that it leaves two options. The first being the least favourable, the negative, downbeat attitude that can't ever seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The alternative; getting over it, moving on and *accepting* that's what's done is done. Deal with it. The only thing you can really relate back to in terms of an explanation is; "Did I do everything I could have done to put myself in the best possible situation?". If the answer is no, then at least you've found something to work on and improve for next time round. Providing you want it, because after all, there will always be a next time if you want it enough.

Life's a pretty tough game in the grand scheme of things, but if you want to enjoy it? That's all down to you.