Emotions are a bitch.

A third update in January? I'm too good to you people. All the same, I appreciate you delving into my wonderfully complex and unorganised thoughts & feelings. This blog is a real double-edged sword for me; I feel it's a fantastic way to express myself and get things out of my system in a way that I wouldn't do normally, but also leaves me rather exposed to those that read it. I guess a good 95% of those readers are going to be relatively close friends though, so it's pretty balanced I would imagine.

This might be the most self-depreciating, openly honest and condemning blog I ever write, so here goes..

A picture speaks a thousand words..

Google is fantastic for conjuring up exactly what you need at any given moment. The above is pretty much a vivid account of what's going on in my mind lately. I'm pretty lost, confused and I'm opening too few avenues for all the doors I seem to be closing lately. I've had a terrible habit of hurting the people closest to me the most. I think the first time I ever realised that was seeing my mother cry for only the second time in my life; when I was teenager full of angst, self harming and dabbling in things so recreational these days but are ultimately life destroying if taken for the wrong reasons. Admittedly, I'm not anywhere near as close to 'depressed' as I was when I was suffering glandular fever back in 2007; but it's how my attitude has affected those around me that's incredibly draining and quite frankly, vindictive.

So.. where do we start? They say save the best for last, but I'll make an exception in this case...

Your best friends, and exactly why they are the 'best'..

She told me to pick one that represented what I think of her.. couldn't miss the glass of vino.

I have no shame whatsoever in admitting that my best friend is female; infact, I'm quite proud that we understand eachother on the levels we do and ultimately for all my flaws, I could trust her with just about anything and everything. The flipside to that however, is that for all the good in the banter, the endless hours of conversation and the time we spend passing time through our fingers - the lows can be bitter, twisted and often ridiculous.

Too many times we've had arguments stem from drunken idiocy and mishaps in which we've thrown about the word hate among a barrage of expletives and anger. We both make incredible mistakes to the point that I feel like she's a sister that I often expect too much of, and has reserved a special place in my life in which I can tell her I love her as a friend - not something I bat about often considering it's too often said too soon. She's earnt my respect on so many levels, and I genuinely hope she appreciates it as much as I do.

Fact is, I owe her an apology. I've said it in private but my drunken, selfish actions of late have offended, disrespected and hurt her in more ways than I'm probably capable of hurting anyone else. I guess making it public is just another gesture of my sincerity. If you're fortunate enough to have Holly (affectionately known as Horri, or mett.. sometimes 'bruv' or 'son') in your life; you'd do well to keep her around. She's got a pretty big heart and sometimes it doesn't take much to break it, so be a bit careful. More careful than I've been of late anyway. Sorry mett. This bit's for you.

And why friends in abundance is a necessity in life..

There's a slightly cynical side to me that finds it difficult to let people know what they mean to me. I'd like to think that more often than not I demonstrate it through my actions rather than words. Considering we're in a New Year and all that malarkey, I'm going to take the time to write it down for once. I'll apologise in advance for anyone that feels like they've been missed; but these are the lads that have been there through thick and thin for longer than I care to admit.

  Don't think we've changed all that much either..

Me .. Chris Hares .. Mike Frankin .. Luke Hopkins .. Billy Alton

I'm probably right in thinking that the majority of people reading this would know who these lads are, but I've name them anyway from left to right, just incase anyone is seeking inspiration and happens to stumble across this... Luke's had a haircut since this was taken too, so it's all good.

It's ironic that we're all at very similar stages in our lives, but I guess that, to a certain degree, is why we relate to eachother in the ways we do. Four of five are in fairly stable, reasonably paid jobs; working hard graft full time to enjoy the weekends, and more often than not, Thursdays too. Chris has decided to go missing in uni for a bit, so he's not around as often as we'd like him to be; but we'd never tell him that.

Having known both Luke & Bill since a tender age in primary school, I'm genuinely impressed that we're still in regular contact and get on as well as we do. We fall out on a regular basis, have rows about the most mundane things, yet consistently shake it off knowing full well that it's just part and parcel of being mates to one another. Life would be boring without the pair of them; having seen them grow up and mature (maybe that's being too generous) into the young men they are today, I can honestly say I'm dead proud to consider them two of my closest mates. No doubt I'll get some stick for this (not that Bill will read it), but I'll take it on the chin knowing full well that if they were emotionally mixed up enough to write their own blogs, the content would be somewhat similar.

Chris & Mike however joined us a little later on in the road we call life. Chris I met at secondary school, and  I think it's safe to say we've had our differences. Having been a part of an intimate group of mates for two years; we found reason to fall out on a fairly regular basis, and I've never really given him credit for what he's been through. I appreciate now that I can be a massive pain in the arse; but his rebound rate means it kind of washes over him in the same way he doesn't bite in political debates. He's given me some constructive, solid advice recently; to the extent it may even change my life forever. We'll see, and undoubtedly, there will be another blog about it in weeks to come.

Mike sort of got trapped in the net after a brief fling with a mutual friend of ours, settled in pretty well and probably just hasn't found the motivation to put up with anyone else. He actually set me on my way with some pretty heavy reading material a few years back (I won't name it, because if you're reading this, you probably know it already), which I hadn't even contemplated would affect me on the level it has. My interests in psychology / sociology are very much down to him, although I don't think that was ever his intention, and he probably gets wound up when I bang on about it. I've got some incredibly fond memories of Mike when no one else has been up for going out and he's found the motivation to get himself ready (albeit an hour later than planned) and despite his looking miserable 80% of the time; he's provided me with some of the best entertainment and social satisfaction I could ask for. If you're reading this about Mike for the first time? Well, take the time to pick apart his interests and I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised with his level of contribution to a conversation. He really knows his stuff and if you can relate - he's a pretty interesting lad to have around.

So now I'm done being all sentimental..

I probably owe a few people an apology for not being a part of this blog, and I probably owe even more people an apology if I happened to have let them down or hurt them recently. Unfortunately I'm stubborn enough to keep some sense of privacy in my life and I'm sure you all know how I feel on a personal level. There are plenty of people I could name from several different social circles, and I could probably delve into who I used to spend the majority of my weekends with, my relationships and all sorts; but I'd be writing a novel, not a blog.

So to generalise, and finish.. I am incredibly sorry to those I've hurt, and even more thankful to those that have had a positive influence in my life, be it in the past month, year, decade - however long. They say life's too short for grudges; and whoever 'they' are, are probably right. I reflect at 23 and realise that I'm probably about the same percentage through my life span (if I'm lucky enough), so I'll be conscious not to take anything for granted. I had planned a little picture montage of everyone that's entered my thoughts whilst writing this, but my Photoshop skills aren't quite what they used to be. Maybe I'll rectify that next time out and make a conscious effort to identify all of you..

Take care.

~ Rick

This one's for you Chops..

Because Chops is just Chops..

So I wasn't planning on updating my blog until the end of January because I figured it would give me a pretty fair reflection on my resolutions and so on. However, the man above requested a little update to see how I'm getting on in life because he couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone. So I'll spend an hour or so telling everyone my life story instead. But hopefully it'll make for a pretty interesting read regardless.

I promised myself I'd be dead honest with myself regarding my resolutions, so I guess that means I have to be honest with everyone that takes the time to read this. I made 7 resolutions this year, and we're a massive 11 days into January; 10 days after I actually made them, so let's see how I'm getting on..

1. Giving up smoking ... failed.

2. And fast food ... passed!

3. And alcohol! ... failed.

4. Running consistently ... passed!

5. Gym routine ... hasn't got up and running yet.

6. Practical planning ... this is 50/50 ... Ok, it's a fail.

7. Playing poker the successful way ... Now this is 50/50. Too small a sample to judge though.

In an effort to start with the negative and build on a positive, I guess that means I have to start with my failures. Smoking and alcohol very much boiled down to the same thing, and I think I've smoked a total of 12 cigarettes and had a single JD & coke. Why? Well, there's always a legitimate reason. Not one I'm happy about and in hindsight, was likely a pretty bad excuse, but hey ho, that's life, and life's all about reflections.

When you're 6'1", hitting the floor hurts a little more than when a short person falls..

A close friend of mine picked me up on something this week. "I don't understand why you're putting your happiness down to women, that's not like you?", and she couldn't be more right. I like to think that if I've learnt anything in life, it's that resilience is key. I like to believe I'm a pretty confident, emotionally stable, generally secure, well rounded individual (no pun intended). So I got one of those pretty standard emotionally conflicting messages from someone I was pretty close to recently. I have no idea if she'll read this or not, but hey, if she does; I'll give her credit for getting to me. Allow me to paraphrase..

"Yeah I know, I'm just saying I don't know about everything.. or anything.. you know what I mean?"

"Not really.. in relation to what?"
"Us :/ x"

Boom. Doesn't take a psychologist to work out that's bad news, right? Obviously I'm not going to go into details but I'm sure you can imagine the conversation that followed, which pretty much consisted of the sharp end of my tongue until finding some rationality to chill out, calm down and be reasonable. Realistically? I could have probably seen it coming for a few weeks. It was a difficult situation from day one and it was never going to be a simple equation to solve. On top of that, the conversation never really changed anything. Females are naturally indecisive in my experience (God forbid my feminist friends read this and jump on my back about it...), and she was never in a position to give me a reasonably solid answer about what "it" (shall we say) was. I guess in analysing almost everything in depth I hate the feeling of unknowing and it left me in a  pretty vulnerable position. My only problem was, until receiving the message above, I didn't realise it would hurt the way it did.

Being a bloke, naturally, I figured the best response was to relay the situation to said friend that mentioned how my mentality almost never relates to women, and Big Kev, who I'm sure will appreciate the irony in being labelled Big Kev. We were due in the Nags for the Big £5 Tuesday Game at about half 7, so I was round to his for just after 6 for a cuppa and a cigarette. It helped talking the situation off my chest, probably moreso than the cigarette and the JD & coke when we got to the Nags, but the combination of everything gave me some kind of clarity - so much so that I went on to win and take home a tidy £55 profit. Not a bad return on a fiver.

Moving swiftly onwards..

The other fail was relating to practical planning. Now, I've experienced for a good 4-5 years now, that January is always a tough month financially. This year I was paid on the 22nd Dec (my birthday, result, in some ways), but won't be paid again until the 27th Jan. Pretty long stretch for someone that leaves a lot to be desired in ways of financial plans. See my problem is, I'm well aware of the situation. I know it's going to be a long month, I know that from the 22nd through to the 1st I'm more than likely going to be spending more than I should be, yet I didn't budget for any of it. After all, it's Christmas.

So we're about mid-January, I'm 16 days away from being paid, and thankfully with a £60 top-up I'm actually in a reasonable financial position for the month. Realistically I would've made it regardless, but the £60 is pretty much the equivalent to turning over to the cold side of your pillow, it just feels that little bit better. Good job I don't drink, else it might have cost me a round. It also means I can commit to two more things at the end of the month, but more on that to follow...

Plans for the rest of January..

I initially insisted I was giving up paintball this year. It's a huge financial strain that I can't afford, especially for the whole year. Infact, playing for 8 months of the year (something like that), probably costs me in the region of £1,200-£1,500 a year. That's without taking into account if I need something replaced, and gear certainly doesn't come cheap. Ben managed to break my hopper (loader to non-paintballers) which is a good £75 at least, so there's plenty of costs to creep in that escalate that figure. It's a pretty expensive hobby without heavy sponsorship, and even then, you'll be dishing out even more in terms of travel, more training etc - so it's all swings and roundabouts.

However, Darren (otherwise known as Cueball) posted up the field layout for the event at the end of January, and I fell in love with it. As a tape-side player (or teabag side.. I might do a paintball blog after the event and go into details for anyone interested, or not, whatever!), the field is absolutely perfect. Lots of cross-field protection, and perfect bunkers / lanes on my side of the field. I think I'll be incredibly confident on it, to the point that I haven't trained for three months yet I think it will only take a game or two to get back into the swing of things. On top of this, Simon's put his name forward to play in the 5-man team. He's got huge depth of knowledge within the game and was a fantastic influence in my development. Aside from him of course, is the opportunity for brotherly bonding. He's always pushed me in the deep end with paintball so I figure it's the best way to thank him by signing off with a trophy. We'll see.

I'll be updating again at the end of January, hopefully cigarette / alcohol free. I don't really consider the resolutions 'failures' as they were merely hiccups on the way to a long term goal.

Thanks for following; and hopefully you've enjoyed the read. Look forward to the next one.

~ Rick

Resolutions & Life Solutions

Welcome to 2012..

It's curious how everyone responds positively to a new year, isn't it?

I completely understand, sympathize and to a certain extent, agree with it. Else I'd be a tad hypocritical writing a blog about resolutions, no? I think I had a mindset for a pretty long blog delving into several different avenues regarding each resolution I'll be making this year; but seeing as my goal was to get it out on New Year's Day and I've left myself 19 minutes since watching American History X, I'll keep it small. Anyone that knows me will probably appreciate that.. I do love a tangent.

Much of the ordinary..

I think some of my resolutions are somewhat predictable and in-line with most other people. Hardly surprising. I guess the difference is that I'm posting them on the internet because I'm often in need of a kick up the arse to make sure I'm doing them!

So, to keep this short. Here's the list. I'll be reviewing my performance towards the end of January, and no doubt I'll take the opportunity to elaborate on each one throughout the month..

Health & Fitness

Anyone not on these this year?

1. Giving up smoking...

- Possibly my most frustrating resolution. Having gone cold turkey for two years before the smoking ban was enforced (ironic that I took it up again afterwards really), I know how difficult this is, but also how achievable. My advice to anyone quitting this year is - just keep going. You'll feel terrible most mornings, you'll have horrible mood swings and you'll be a handful to work / socialise with; but you can only be apologetic and keep on going. You'll feel better for it in the long run.

2. And fast food...

- My diet needs improving, no two ways about it. The simplest, easiest and most cost effective way of doing so is cutting out the big convenience foods. The only exceptions to this resolution is foods such as chinese, acceptable when eating in a restaurant with a group. This doesn't however excuse me from eating in at KFC!

3. And alcohol!

- No excuse for this one whatsoever. Done it for the most of the year, then had a funeral, a wedding and into my birthday / Christmas not long after. Just become a strung out excuse to break the idea after Reading this year. Generally take a lot of stick for this one, but if I'm honest with myself and serious about improving my health / fitness next year; it's a major.

The only exception I may allow myself is for very special occasions with a meal. Even then, only a glass of wine, or undoubtedly, a JD.

4. Running consistently

- I actually took up running two evenings a week and kept at it towards the back end of last summer. It's almost like a strange hobby that you enjoy sometimes, and hate others. I was too lax and easy to miss a session because 'something better' (ie. something social) would come up, and I'd find too many excuses not to make up for it on a different night. I'll start this with once a week and hopefully build on it; but it ties into my next resolution..

5. Gym Routine

- Again, my gym attendance was incredibly sporadic, all be it just for the start of the year. It really is something I need to be more committed to. I think my first priority is finding a gym atmosphere that suits me personally. The Marriott Bexleyheath was so small and uneventful that working out was almost a chore. In contrast, Reynold's had a strange atmosphere and it was a little uncomforting to be a part of. So finding the right balance is going to be essential in how motivated I am; suggestions welcome!

Mentality & Finance

6. Practical Planning

- In terms of finance on a monthly basis, I seem to do exceptionally well at the start of the month, plan something in hurriedly in the second-third week, then panic a few days before payday. Somewhat repetitive and hardly my idea of fun.. so this year I'll be forcing myself to budget well in advance and even take into account longer term finance such as car tax / MOTs.. my insurance is monthly regardless. So, by the end of the year; debt free. It's achievable!

7. Playing poker the successful way..

- I was treated to 'The Mental Game of Poker' by my brother for Christmas. I'm intent on keeping this blog relatively poker-free as I have another for it (http://www.keeklesplayspoker.blogspot.com) but one of my resolutions is to turn a profit this year. Nothing massively substantial, and I'll be keeping the exact figure to myself; but very much achievable if I keep on improving my game and making the right decisions consistently. Lets hope the trip to Nottingham is a positive one..

So I think that's about it..

I know there are a ton of pitfalls on the way to achieving all of the targets I've set myself this year, but I think I've matured enough to appreciate that hard work and dedication are the only elements of desire that we control ourselves and are entirely responsible and accountable for.

I'm also aware that whenever someone asks how I'm getting on, I'm often short-tempered and snappy in response. I don't mean to be, and I actually genuinely appreciate the consideration and time taken to ask. If nothing else, purely because it means I can't lie to myself, nor anyone else.

Good luck to everyone with a resolution in 2012; however small or large it may be. I look forward to sharing successes with you come 2013 ;)

- Rick