Emotions are a bitch.

A third update in January? I'm too good to you people. All the same, I appreciate you delving into my wonderfully complex and unorganised thoughts & feelings. This blog is a real double-edged sword for me; I feel it's a fantastic way to express myself and get things out of my system in a way that I wouldn't do normally, but also leaves me rather exposed to those that read it. I guess a good 95% of those readers are going to be relatively close friends though, so it's pretty balanced I would imagine.

This might be the most self-depreciating, openly honest and condemning blog I ever write, so here goes..

A picture speaks a thousand words..

Google is fantastic for conjuring up exactly what you need at any given moment. The above is pretty much a vivid account of what's going on in my mind lately. I'm pretty lost, confused and I'm opening too few avenues for all the doors I seem to be closing lately. I've had a terrible habit of hurting the people closest to me the most. I think the first time I ever realised that was seeing my mother cry for only the second time in my life; when I was teenager full of angst, self harming and dabbling in things so recreational these days but are ultimately life destroying if taken for the wrong reasons. Admittedly, I'm not anywhere near as close to 'depressed' as I was when I was suffering glandular fever back in 2007; but it's how my attitude has affected those around me that's incredibly draining and quite frankly, vindictive.

So.. where do we start? They say save the best for last, but I'll make an exception in this case...

Your best friends, and exactly why they are the 'best'..

She told me to pick one that represented what I think of her.. couldn't miss the glass of vino.

I have no shame whatsoever in admitting that my best friend is female; infact, I'm quite proud that we understand eachother on the levels we do and ultimately for all my flaws, I could trust her with just about anything and everything. The flipside to that however, is that for all the good in the banter, the endless hours of conversation and the time we spend passing time through our fingers - the lows can be bitter, twisted and often ridiculous.

Too many times we've had arguments stem from drunken idiocy and mishaps in which we've thrown about the word hate among a barrage of expletives and anger. We both make incredible mistakes to the point that I feel like she's a sister that I often expect too much of, and has reserved a special place in my life in which I can tell her I love her as a friend - not something I bat about often considering it's too often said too soon. She's earnt my respect on so many levels, and I genuinely hope she appreciates it as much as I do.

Fact is, I owe her an apology. I've said it in private but my drunken, selfish actions of late have offended, disrespected and hurt her in more ways than I'm probably capable of hurting anyone else. I guess making it public is just another gesture of my sincerity. If you're fortunate enough to have Holly (affectionately known as Horri, or mett.. sometimes 'bruv' or 'son') in your life; you'd do well to keep her around. She's got a pretty big heart and sometimes it doesn't take much to break it, so be a bit careful. More careful than I've been of late anyway. Sorry mett. This bit's for you.

And why friends in abundance is a necessity in life..

There's a slightly cynical side to me that finds it difficult to let people know what they mean to me. I'd like to think that more often than not I demonstrate it through my actions rather than words. Considering we're in a New Year and all that malarkey, I'm going to take the time to write it down for once. I'll apologise in advance for anyone that feels like they've been missed; but these are the lads that have been there through thick and thin for longer than I care to admit.

  Don't think we've changed all that much either..

Me .. Chris Hares .. Mike Frankin .. Luke Hopkins .. Billy Alton

I'm probably right in thinking that the majority of people reading this would know who these lads are, but I've name them anyway from left to right, just incase anyone is seeking inspiration and happens to stumble across this... Luke's had a haircut since this was taken too, so it's all good.

It's ironic that we're all at very similar stages in our lives, but I guess that, to a certain degree, is why we relate to eachother in the ways we do. Four of five are in fairly stable, reasonably paid jobs; working hard graft full time to enjoy the weekends, and more often than not, Thursdays too. Chris has decided to go missing in uni for a bit, so he's not around as often as we'd like him to be; but we'd never tell him that.

Having known both Luke & Bill since a tender age in primary school, I'm genuinely impressed that we're still in regular contact and get on as well as we do. We fall out on a regular basis, have rows about the most mundane things, yet consistently shake it off knowing full well that it's just part and parcel of being mates to one another. Life would be boring without the pair of them; having seen them grow up and mature (maybe that's being too generous) into the young men they are today, I can honestly say I'm dead proud to consider them two of my closest mates. No doubt I'll get some stick for this (not that Bill will read it), but I'll take it on the chin knowing full well that if they were emotionally mixed up enough to write their own blogs, the content would be somewhat similar.

Chris & Mike however joined us a little later on in the road we call life. Chris I met at secondary school, and  I think it's safe to say we've had our differences. Having been a part of an intimate group of mates for two years; we found reason to fall out on a fairly regular basis, and I've never really given him credit for what he's been through. I appreciate now that I can be a massive pain in the arse; but his rebound rate means it kind of washes over him in the same way he doesn't bite in political debates. He's given me some constructive, solid advice recently; to the extent it may even change my life forever. We'll see, and undoubtedly, there will be another blog about it in weeks to come.

Mike sort of got trapped in the net after a brief fling with a mutual friend of ours, settled in pretty well and probably just hasn't found the motivation to put up with anyone else. He actually set me on my way with some pretty heavy reading material a few years back (I won't name it, because if you're reading this, you probably know it already), which I hadn't even contemplated would affect me on the level it has. My interests in psychology / sociology are very much down to him, although I don't think that was ever his intention, and he probably gets wound up when I bang on about it. I've got some incredibly fond memories of Mike when no one else has been up for going out and he's found the motivation to get himself ready (albeit an hour later than planned) and despite his looking miserable 80% of the time; he's provided me with some of the best entertainment and social satisfaction I could ask for. If you're reading this about Mike for the first time? Well, take the time to pick apart his interests and I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised with his level of contribution to a conversation. He really knows his stuff and if you can relate - he's a pretty interesting lad to have around.

So now I'm done being all sentimental..

I probably owe a few people an apology for not being a part of this blog, and I probably owe even more people an apology if I happened to have let them down or hurt them recently. Unfortunately I'm stubborn enough to keep some sense of privacy in my life and I'm sure you all know how I feel on a personal level. There are plenty of people I could name from several different social circles, and I could probably delve into who I used to spend the majority of my weekends with, my relationships and all sorts; but I'd be writing a novel, not a blog.

So to generalise, and finish.. I am incredibly sorry to those I've hurt, and even more thankful to those that have had a positive influence in my life, be it in the past month, year, decade - however long. They say life's too short for grudges; and whoever 'they' are, are probably right. I reflect at 23 and realise that I'm probably about the same percentage through my life span (if I'm lucky enough), so I'll be conscious not to take anything for granted. I had planned a little picture montage of everyone that's entered my thoughts whilst writing this, but my Photoshop skills aren't quite what they used to be. Maybe I'll rectify that next time out and make a conscious effort to identify all of you..

Take care.

~ Rick