First things first, I want to say a sincere thank you to everyone that's been around for the past couple of weeks. Seems a lot of people read my last blog and made a conscious effort to find out how both I & my mum are - certainly didn't go unnoticed and I genuinely appreciate it. She's in good health and I'm sure the fact that she's having people round for dinner and the abundance of flowers and cards that have turned up are a positive sign despite playing havoc with mine and the old man's sinuses. I don't think there's much more to say on the topic, so... thank you.
Online Dating... Why?
Being one with a plethora of opinions about, well, almost everything, I seem to be getting questioned on the nature of online dating recently. Personally, it's something I've never done, but I'm neither for nor against it. People have various reasons for signing up to dating sites in the first place and a few of my friends definitely demonstrate the benefits no matter what you're looking to get out of it. Without delving into detail, if you're looking for something serious, lasting and opening your catchment area to beyond your local area - there's multiple sites that are laden with equally minded people from all corners of society. On the flipside, if you're looking for something more casual, laid back and simply easy.. well, it doesn't get much easier. Tell someone you'll meet them at Reading festival, treat them to a can of Fosters and they'll stay the night in your tent (you know who you are, good work!)
Not that I like taking credit for anything...
A friend of mine asked me best part of two years ago if I'd had any experience with online dating. Besides hearing of friends that had used it and having a look at POF (I think I have a really, really incomplete profile somewhere?) I'd never actually (and still to this day haven't) used it, nor intend to. After a couple of hours discussing his success rate, his messages and how he came across however, we took a bet on how many replies he'd get to a message I designed for him. I think I might have shot myself in the foot given that if I was to start online dating, I probably couldn't use it myself, but hey ho, creativity is a blessing right? I'm in two minds about sharing it on here but I'll err on the side of caution and keep it to myself (well, ourselves, technically). Regardless, he sent my message out after putting his own little spin on it (important to stay true to yourself!) and the next time we met, I was more impressed than I thought I'd be. In an average of ten messages he was lucky to get two replies.. using what I'd modelled for him, he had four dates lined up for the following week. Safe to say I'd dropped myself in the deep end and I'd be spending many a Tuesday night dissecting the results of his dates - but he had a fairly refreshing presence about him and to this day it's safe to say taking a new angle worked wonders for him.
He's currently dating someone not necessarily regarded as 'his type' but he seems pretty smitten, and given that I hear more about her than I ask for, I'm chuffed for him (you're not letting her read this are you..? Sorry fella!). Without doubt his experience is probably the most satisfying and rewarding element of online dating that I've been somewhat 'involved' with. Safe to say, if I was ever to partake in it myself, I'd be asking him for a word of advice or two. Funnily enough, his new better half is also the one that asked the question "Why doesn't Rick do it?" - I'll answer that at the end of this post.
On the flipside..
I have two friends, ironically, same age, similar backgrounds, social circles and the like that have entered the world of online dating. One has been using it for a while with various successes whilst the other is fresh to the whole concept and to a certain degree; I'm not sure if she knew what to expect.
My early and fairly naive view of online dating that anyone partaking in it has to have 'something wrong' with them in some way. Bit harsh giving it a blanket impression but to a degree I don't think I was entirely misled. There are a lot (probably more than I imagined) of genuine, sincere and honest people that use online dating for a multitude of reasons including time constraints, geographical issues and the challenges of breaking the ice face to face. There are however, a huge collection of social oddities and misguided individuals that tend to take the time pursuing options that they probably shouldn't. It's a good ego boost for some though, so they're not all that bad to have around. Besides, everyone loves a compliment, and they're pretty harmless. The old saying states there's "someone for everyone", so good luck to them.
...
I think I fell asleep when I was writing this two weeks ago and I've lost my trail of thought but someone asked me to post it regardless, so here it is. I guess the long and short of it is, online dating is a huge minefield littered with individuals that all have their different reasons for being part of it. Personally, I don't think you can ever truly judge someone *without* face value, but I guess it's a good a means of an introduction as any. Its also far too easy to use as a means of making up for your latest failed relationship..
If you're into online..? Good luck to you. In the meantime, I prefer the real world!
Monday 29 October 2012
Sunday 7 October 2012
Long, Long Overdue..
What a weekend. What a month. Well, maybe more like three.
I guess this blog post has been well and beyond overdue. I've spent my Sunday on call (more on that later) tidying, clearing out and rediscovering some things I'd long forgotten about. Notably a leaving card that reads - "It's been good getting to know you, so please stay in touch! Good luck in your new job. Don't get complacent on the blog updates, you know how much I enjoy them!"...
Talk about guilt trip.
Working Sundays.. that must suck, right?
So, I'm sure the majority of people that tend to read this given the opportunity are well aware I'm somewhat settled in a new job. After 6 somewhat lengthy years in the wonderful world of retail, I've made a fairly smooth transition into the demanding, exceptionally fast paced industry that is temporary recruitment. In complete honesty and transparency I couldn't have seen myself doing it ~7 months ago but I genuinely couldn't be much happier. After sinking deep into the comfort zone of the same area manager and the same contacts in the retail industry since the tender age of 16 it's a pretty daunting experience facing up to the prospect of working with people you don't know in a completely different job role to the one previous. That being said, as daunting as it may have been, there's so many positives to look forward to. Not only the obvious pay difference (which, lets face it, all of us work for), there's a change of scenery, potential opportunities and career development - far more positives than negatives to say the least.
I'm incredibly fortunate to be working on a busy driving desk based out of Swanley given it's one of the company's longest running and undoubtedly one of the most successful. Thursday gone was undoubtedly a highlight of my 12 weeks with Swanstaff. The year is targeted by quarters and after a lot of quick learning (by that, I mean being dumped in the deep end whilst my newly acquired manager spent my third and fourth weeks sunning himself in Kos), and an abundance of cigarettes, it was announced that we'd more than achieved our target and earnt a healthy bonus due to be paid at the end of October. On a personal level, it's a huge incentive for me to keep performing - a reasonable lump sum bonus pays off one of my debts. One down at the end of the month with two to go? Happy days. Bring on the Ferrari come August.
Don't get me wrong though, every positive has to have some degree of negativity to balance it out. One essential factor in providing staff to several different industries is accessibility. Some of our clients work 24/7 and therefore we're required to be available to meet those demands. On call isn't so bad though, once every 5 weekends and one night of the week, which is generally pretty quiet providing everyone in the office has done their job properly throughout the day / week...
I've got plenty more to write but when I'm almost guaranteed a 4am wake-up call and I'm due in the office at 6, it's probably best I get a couple of hours shut-eye. Look out for an update! Ciao for now.
Famous Last Words
Given the blog was on a pretty spectacular note throughout; it doesn't take much to bring someone crashing back down to reality. Tuesday's are supposed to be like every other Tuesday. A little £5 pub poker game with banter, laughs and good company. I thought it was going the same way and despite a pretty early exit from the poker, I was in my usual high spirits.
Unfortunately, nature has an incredibly twisted means of dealing a pretty nasty hand. I got a text telling me "not to worry" despite the fact my mum was in hospital.. Not sure about anyone reading this but I think that's pretty good reason to worry.
After an incredibly sleepless night, blood tests at 4am and so on, I struggled through work on Wednesday. Safe to say my head wasn't really where it should've been, but on the flip side, there wasn't much else I could do. Sitting at home was probably the worst of my options regardless.
I can only assume tomorrow will be much of the same when she heads "downstairs" as the (and this is going to sound rather sinister), 'regulars' would call it. I'm not a fan of hospitals as it is, but seeing your mother (a very youthful looking) 60 years of age in a ward with women all closer to 80, it's a pretty surreal experience - and one I don't think I'll ever enjoy.
I don't think I could face being there tomorrow so I've opted to work through it and take Friday off to, I dunno, 'support' her recovery? With any joy she'll be out on Saturday; just a little scattier than usual given present company.
Sometimes I think we're a little too quick to neglect how much family can really mean to us. It's certainly nothing short of a wake up call and I'm not ashamed to admit that I have no idea what I'd make of the situation if it was a little more serious than its proves to be. I'm usually a little more reserved with my emotions and feelings in general, but I have nothing but the utmost respect, admiration and love for the woman that made me the man I am today.
I guess this blog serves as a pretty effective outlet afterall... Sorry this one doesn't come with a happy ending.
~ Rick
I guess this blog post has been well and beyond overdue. I've spent my Sunday on call (more on that later) tidying, clearing out and rediscovering some things I'd long forgotten about. Notably a leaving card that reads - "It's been good getting to know you, so please stay in touch! Good luck in your new job. Don't get complacent on the blog updates, you know how much I enjoy them!"...
Talk about guilt trip.
Working Sundays.. that must suck, right?
So, I'm sure the majority of people that tend to read this given the opportunity are well aware I'm somewhat settled in a new job. After 6 somewhat lengthy years in the wonderful world of retail, I've made a fairly smooth transition into the demanding, exceptionally fast paced industry that is temporary recruitment. In complete honesty and transparency I couldn't have seen myself doing it ~7 months ago but I genuinely couldn't be much happier. After sinking deep into the comfort zone of the same area manager and the same contacts in the retail industry since the tender age of 16 it's a pretty daunting experience facing up to the prospect of working with people you don't know in a completely different job role to the one previous. That being said, as daunting as it may have been, there's so many positives to look forward to. Not only the obvious pay difference (which, lets face it, all of us work for), there's a change of scenery, potential opportunities and career development - far more positives than negatives to say the least.
I'm incredibly fortunate to be working on a busy driving desk based out of Swanley given it's one of the company's longest running and undoubtedly one of the most successful. Thursday gone was undoubtedly a highlight of my 12 weeks with Swanstaff. The year is targeted by quarters and after a lot of quick learning (by that, I mean being dumped in the deep end whilst my newly acquired manager spent my third and fourth weeks sunning himself in Kos), and an abundance of cigarettes, it was announced that we'd more than achieved our target and earnt a healthy bonus due to be paid at the end of October. On a personal level, it's a huge incentive for me to keep performing - a reasonable lump sum bonus pays off one of my debts. One down at the end of the month with two to go? Happy days. Bring on the Ferrari come August.
Don't get me wrong though, every positive has to have some degree of negativity to balance it out. One essential factor in providing staff to several different industries is accessibility. Some of our clients work 24/7 and therefore we're required to be available to meet those demands. On call isn't so bad though, once every 5 weekends and one night of the week, which is generally pretty quiet providing everyone in the office has done their job properly throughout the day / week...
I've got plenty more to write but when I'm almost guaranteed a 4am wake-up call and I'm due in the office at 6, it's probably best I get a couple of hours shut-eye. Look out for an update! Ciao for now.
Famous Last Words
Given the blog was on a pretty spectacular note throughout; it doesn't take much to bring someone crashing back down to reality. Tuesday's are supposed to be like every other Tuesday. A little £5 pub poker game with banter, laughs and good company. I thought it was going the same way and despite a pretty early exit from the poker, I was in my usual high spirits.
Unfortunately, nature has an incredibly twisted means of dealing a pretty nasty hand. I got a text telling me "not to worry" despite the fact my mum was in hospital.. Not sure about anyone reading this but I think that's pretty good reason to worry.
After an incredibly sleepless night, blood tests at 4am and so on, I struggled through work on Wednesday. Safe to say my head wasn't really where it should've been, but on the flip side, there wasn't much else I could do. Sitting at home was probably the worst of my options regardless.
I can only assume tomorrow will be much of the same when she heads "downstairs" as the (and this is going to sound rather sinister), 'regulars' would call it. I'm not a fan of hospitals as it is, but seeing your mother (a very youthful looking) 60 years of age in a ward with women all closer to 80, it's a pretty surreal experience - and one I don't think I'll ever enjoy.
I don't think I could face being there tomorrow so I've opted to work through it and take Friday off to, I dunno, 'support' her recovery? With any joy she'll be out on Saturday; just a little scattier than usual given present company.
Sometimes I think we're a little too quick to neglect how much family can really mean to us. It's certainly nothing short of a wake up call and I'm not ashamed to admit that I have no idea what I'd make of the situation if it was a little more serious than its proves to be. I'm usually a little more reserved with my emotions and feelings in general, but I have nothing but the utmost respect, admiration and love for the woman that made me the man I am today.
I guess this blog serves as a pretty effective outlet afterall... Sorry this one doesn't come with a happy ending.
~ Rick
Sunday 24 June 2012
Falling Off the Wagon..
If you're gonna do something; don't do it by halves.
I guess this is really the only thing I've really remained true to throughout June. I really hate indecisiveness; I much prefer someone take a decision and run with it, even if it does turn out to be the wrong one by the end of it. A least it gives you the opportunity to reflect and learn instead of never knowing.
Before I get into this blog; I want to thank everyone I've had around throughout the past month as its consisted of some of the highest highs, yet also some of the less desirable lows that are just a by product of having a good time. I don't really do regrets; and anything I care to ramble about from here on certainly is no exception.
So, June. It's pretty much been one crazy party with a crushing hangover.. Quite literally.
After months of sobriety I decided to give myself the excuse of having a drink on birthday nights. Unfortunately, when you have quite a diverse and sporadic social circle.. Lots of people have birthdays. I won't blame your parents for enjoying the cold wintered nights with each other and actually, I just blame myself for succumbing to the seductive mistress that is a concoction of Jack Daniels, Jaegermeister, red bull and wine in all of its destructive, intoxicating forms.
My no drinking policy pretty much sailed out of the window, ran across the school field opposite my house and did a little dance for everyone lucky enough to inhabit Bexleyheath to see. In the process I've managed to be sick during a 5-a-side tournament, ruin one of my favourite shirts (sorry Ted, red wine and white shirts are a lethal combination) and fall out of favour with my bank manager. Thank fuck I don't bank with Natwest.
On the other hand, I've finally left the wonderful world of Burton (small round of applause from any current / former Arcadia employees appreciated) after five and a half years, somewhat befriend the security staff in both Affinity and Nyne (good people to know I'd bet), meet a few new faces and learn something new about some people I really didn't expect to... Including myself. I imagine the majority of you reading this will be pleased to hear I have practically nothing to say on the poker front (except a congratulations to Cem for winning himself a holiday to Vegas).
So where to start? I'm not really sure if I'm honest! I think my Facebook documents pretty well where I've been and who with in the past few weeks. Not to mention I probably don't really remember enough detail from any night out to tell you what's made each night amazing in its own right. One things for sure though; it's not necessarily where you are, but more the company you keep. I'm sure there's some quotes I should make an effort to remember.. "what I lack in technique I make up for in effort" detailing Rich's sex life for one. Sorry bud but that was too good to let go. Thankfully I tweeted "Hurry up and stick your finger in, my rice is getting cold".. I'll let you make of that what you will. What is it with everyone turning up at the Laughing Buddha when you're smashed and supposed to be heading home anyway? Managed it twice in consecutive weekends and was supposed to be there Saturday night but somehow convinced myself that bed was a better idea. Anyway; if you've been around, you know who you are, so thanks for burning holes in my wallet, making me feel incredibly lethargic and feeling sorry for myself. That might sound sarcastic but I'm being sincere;
for all the negatives, it's been worth it.
I guess the most exciting thing is my imminent change in career. How old am I..?
After a relatively unsuccessful job hunt pre-Christmas ( thanks in kind for completely ballsing up my second interview with Levi's.. Over confidence gets you nowhere ), I almost felt like I'd done too many interviews to fail another one. So, my CV was passed onto a recruitment consultancy based in the wonderful world of Swanley and I was invited to interview in their Head Office on a (ona auto-corrects to Obama on iPhones.. Weird) Thursday evening. I'm not normally one for nerves but I surprised myself. I found myself buying cigs for the first time in ages on my way, turned up half hour early and proceeded to smoke two before realising that walking into an interview smelling of smoke is one of the silliest things you can do. I guess a bad impression can only get better right? ( please don't take that seriously if you're interviewing somewhere.. Just don't smoke )
Anyway, they took me in 15 minutes early and I still found the nerves sending those really small, hardly noticeable tremors throughout my body. Thankfully no sweaty palms; but I realised for someone that can often be so confident and borderline arrogant; I was really apprehensive about the idea of selling myself.
For about 10 minutes.
Once in the interview and getting past the mundane, technical questions that employers have to ask; I found myself settling down and taking more risks in my responses. After all, why do I want a career in recruitment?
Simply? There's far more money in recruitment than there is in retail in our current economic climate, and that's likely to continue for years to come, if not indefinitely. High streets are dying because people and technology alike are making it consistently easier to discover value through online shopping or using different retailers for the same product at a cheaper price. This will be a tend that continues as far as I can imagine and frankly, leaves little hope for retail managers looking to further a career in a very stifled market. Despite my area manager's encouragement; there simply aren't enough stores being opened and enough money coming into stores to really ensure solid progression, substantial pay rises and ultimately, a better quality of life.
In recruitment however, theres demand. Demand means theres money. Where there's money, there's opportunity. I was offered the position before leaving the room on that Thursday evening and I didn't hesitate to accept; after all, I wasn't going to haggle with employers who were giving me precisely what I was asking for. For the first time in what feels like years, I'm genuinely excited at the prospect of a completely new role. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that won't last long in the grand scheme of things; but I made my intentions clear that I'll be looking to progress at the earliest opportunity, change offices and make money for the company, which in turn, makes me money. Retail will very rarely offer that. It also means I get to work the old "9-5", although I'm under no illusions - the harder / longer you work, the better for you in the long run.. But I get my weekends off to indulge in pub gardens and long lay-ins on Sundays. Tad excited.
I guess I'll take this opportunity to thank those that have supported me, from the relatively timid, awkward boy scout at 16 years of age walking around the Bluewater store tidying up suits to the somewhat bigger personality I am today. I'd like to think there's not a lot I haven't learned with regards to retail management, and people management will be a skill I will never underestimate. Good luck to all of you; and again, thank you.
Fathers' Day happened this month too. As a male, and a father to be ( I would hope, and no, no one is expecting as far as I know, I'm just talking future tense ), I think we can often be found guilty of overlooking Fathers' Day. In the past, I've done the simple thing of buying a card, some kind of novel present ( anyone that knows Mr Baxter will understand ) and leaving it downstairs just to show that I 'remembered' I have some kind of obligation to thank my old man for the past 23 years. This year however, I decided to do things a little differently.
One thing my brother and I always did with my dad was to go to boot fairs. He was away on Fathers' Day so we had to settle for it a week late. Unfortunately, it also happened to piss down with rain so we only had the pleasure of Welling School's incredibly limited, bric-a-brac, hand-me-down indoor stalls. After driving to three sites that were all closed; the day was pretty much a wash out. We treated the old man to a cafe breakfast all the same ( Sainsbury's Crayford.. I wouldn't recommend it ) and more importantly, spent a good 6 hours or so as Father and Sons. It's been a long time since we've had the opportunity and I think he appreciated it, at least I'd hope so. Anyway, moral of the story is, I discovered I can actually be incredibly thoughtful when I want to be, and Lyon know what? It felt good. It still does infact. Do something that requires a but of thought next year; you won regret it.
I guess this brings me into the slightly deep, relatively emotional side of my blog where certain individuals love reading between the lines and picking me apart for it later. Enjoy kids ;).
It's been a really, really strange month. For obvious reasons I won't name names, but anything I do say on here; I hope you don't mind me sharing it.
The first thing that really got this month was playing a little game of Truths with someone. She asked something that actually really threw me at the time; "What's your saddest memory?"
I really had to search for an answer to it as its not something I've ever really considered, and for the sake of feeling a little vulnerable, I don't mind sharing my answer. My grandad's funeral a few years back. More specifically, the point in which my brother and I were stood either side of my old man having just come out of the crematorium main chamber. The service was hard enough to deal with, but I'd done pretty well in containing my emotions, up until the point that my dad turned to us and said something along the lines of "You two are supposed to be supporting me" as his first tear of the day rolled down his cheek. As a pillar of a man that I've leaned on so many times in the past, it's safe to say, this alone broke me. I was so wrapped up in containing my own grief I hadn't spared a thought for the man that had lost his father, and in one single moment, I was met with a crescendo of emotions that I still can't accurately describe. Talk about opening your mind..
It really made me realise that I think I'm somewhat lucky to be able to emotionally disconnect myself in certain scenarios, if a little inhuman. More importantly, it also made me realise that I guess I have a heart. If you read this by the way, thanks :).
As if my own emotional roller coaster wasn't enough, I found myself in two other conversations that were completely unexpected.. It's hard to get across the message without detailing things but I'll do my best as I wouldn't want to break their trust.
So the first was a phone call whilst I was at work with a somewhat 'different' request.. To pop round when I can and check up on their mum. Like a lot of my close friends, I have a habit of calling mums, well, 'mum'. Just something I've always done out of respect and will continue to do so providing that's how they're introduced. What touched me was the fact that I'm seen in that light I guess. If I'm completely transparent, its like walking into territory that I really don't think I'm going to be comfortable with, so I've put it off a little longer than I intended. I'll be round in the week, by the way; sorry it's not been sooner.
The second really came out of the blue, and there are rarely times I'm lost for words, but this was one of them. Similarly, it relates to a friends' parents and is an incredibly difficult situation to come to terms with. Eye-opening again was that they came to me to ask how I cope with dealing with everyone else's burdens whilst also carrying our own. I'm flattered, honoured and frankly, proud. But it's far from easy, and I sympathise completely. Sometimes we really forget to ask how someone is when we're busy off-loading all of our issues and not taking time to consider theirs. If you just felt a slight pang of guilt; remember to ask next time. It's not difficult. And they will appreciate it.
I had one of those moments where I think of the right words at the right time, as follows..
"The heaviest burdens to bear are not ours to bear alone. No matter how things are between us, I'll always be there to share them."
Rocks have feelings too y'know :).
Hope you found something in there worth relating to.. Was a strange experience writing that one. Take care of yourselves, and those that mean the most.
~ Rick
I guess this is really the only thing I've really remained true to throughout June. I really hate indecisiveness; I much prefer someone take a decision and run with it, even if it does turn out to be the wrong one by the end of it. A least it gives you the opportunity to reflect and learn instead of never knowing.
Before I get into this blog; I want to thank everyone I've had around throughout the past month as its consisted of some of the highest highs, yet also some of the less desirable lows that are just a by product of having a good time. I don't really do regrets; and anything I care to ramble about from here on certainly is no exception.
So, June. It's pretty much been one crazy party with a crushing hangover.. Quite literally.
After months of sobriety I decided to give myself the excuse of having a drink on birthday nights. Unfortunately, when you have quite a diverse and sporadic social circle.. Lots of people have birthdays. I won't blame your parents for enjoying the cold wintered nights with each other and actually, I just blame myself for succumbing to the seductive mistress that is a concoction of Jack Daniels, Jaegermeister, red bull and wine in all of its destructive, intoxicating forms.
My no drinking policy pretty much sailed out of the window, ran across the school field opposite my house and did a little dance for everyone lucky enough to inhabit Bexleyheath to see. In the process I've managed to be sick during a 5-a-side tournament, ruin one of my favourite shirts (sorry Ted, red wine and white shirts are a lethal combination) and fall out of favour with my bank manager. Thank fuck I don't bank with Natwest.
On the other hand, I've finally left the wonderful world of Burton (small round of applause from any current / former Arcadia employees appreciated) after five and a half years, somewhat befriend the security staff in both Affinity and Nyne (good people to know I'd bet), meet a few new faces and learn something new about some people I really didn't expect to... Including myself. I imagine the majority of you reading this will be pleased to hear I have practically nothing to say on the poker front (except a congratulations to Cem for winning himself a holiday to Vegas).
So where to start? I'm not really sure if I'm honest! I think my Facebook documents pretty well where I've been and who with in the past few weeks. Not to mention I probably don't really remember enough detail from any night out to tell you what's made each night amazing in its own right. One things for sure though; it's not necessarily where you are, but more the company you keep. I'm sure there's some quotes I should make an effort to remember.. "what I lack in technique I make up for in effort" detailing Rich's sex life for one. Sorry bud but that was too good to let go. Thankfully I tweeted "Hurry up and stick your finger in, my rice is getting cold".. I'll let you make of that what you will. What is it with everyone turning up at the Laughing Buddha when you're smashed and supposed to be heading home anyway? Managed it twice in consecutive weekends and was supposed to be there Saturday night but somehow convinced myself that bed was a better idea. Anyway; if you've been around, you know who you are, so thanks for burning holes in my wallet, making me feel incredibly lethargic and feeling sorry for myself. That might sound sarcastic but I'm being sincere;
for all the negatives, it's been worth it.
I guess the most exciting thing is my imminent change in career. How old am I..?
After a relatively unsuccessful job hunt pre-Christmas ( thanks in kind for completely ballsing up my second interview with Levi's.. Over confidence gets you nowhere ), I almost felt like I'd done too many interviews to fail another one. So, my CV was passed onto a recruitment consultancy based in the wonderful world of Swanley and I was invited to interview in their Head Office on a (ona auto-corrects to Obama on iPhones.. Weird) Thursday evening. I'm not normally one for nerves but I surprised myself. I found myself buying cigs for the first time in ages on my way, turned up half hour early and proceeded to smoke two before realising that walking into an interview smelling of smoke is one of the silliest things you can do. I guess a bad impression can only get better right? ( please don't take that seriously if you're interviewing somewhere.. Just don't smoke )
Anyway, they took me in 15 minutes early and I still found the nerves sending those really small, hardly noticeable tremors throughout my body. Thankfully no sweaty palms; but I realised for someone that can often be so confident and borderline arrogant; I was really apprehensive about the idea of selling myself.
For about 10 minutes.
Once in the interview and getting past the mundane, technical questions that employers have to ask; I found myself settling down and taking more risks in my responses. After all, why do I want a career in recruitment?
Simply? There's far more money in recruitment than there is in retail in our current economic climate, and that's likely to continue for years to come, if not indefinitely. High streets are dying because people and technology alike are making it consistently easier to discover value through online shopping or using different retailers for the same product at a cheaper price. This will be a tend that continues as far as I can imagine and frankly, leaves little hope for retail managers looking to further a career in a very stifled market. Despite my area manager's encouragement; there simply aren't enough stores being opened and enough money coming into stores to really ensure solid progression, substantial pay rises and ultimately, a better quality of life.
In recruitment however, theres demand. Demand means theres money. Where there's money, there's opportunity. I was offered the position before leaving the room on that Thursday evening and I didn't hesitate to accept; after all, I wasn't going to haggle with employers who were giving me precisely what I was asking for. For the first time in what feels like years, I'm genuinely excited at the prospect of a completely new role. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that won't last long in the grand scheme of things; but I made my intentions clear that I'll be looking to progress at the earliest opportunity, change offices and make money for the company, which in turn, makes me money. Retail will very rarely offer that. It also means I get to work the old "9-5", although I'm under no illusions - the harder / longer you work, the better for you in the long run.. But I get my weekends off to indulge in pub gardens and long lay-ins on Sundays. Tad excited.
I guess I'll take this opportunity to thank those that have supported me, from the relatively timid, awkward boy scout at 16 years of age walking around the Bluewater store tidying up suits to the somewhat bigger personality I am today. I'd like to think there's not a lot I haven't learned with regards to retail management, and people management will be a skill I will never underestimate. Good luck to all of you; and again, thank you.
Fathers' Day happened this month too. As a male, and a father to be ( I would hope, and no, no one is expecting as far as I know, I'm just talking future tense ), I think we can often be found guilty of overlooking Fathers' Day. In the past, I've done the simple thing of buying a card, some kind of novel present ( anyone that knows Mr Baxter will understand ) and leaving it downstairs just to show that I 'remembered' I have some kind of obligation to thank my old man for the past 23 years. This year however, I decided to do things a little differently.
One thing my brother and I always did with my dad was to go to boot fairs. He was away on Fathers' Day so we had to settle for it a week late. Unfortunately, it also happened to piss down with rain so we only had the pleasure of Welling School's incredibly limited, bric-a-brac, hand-me-down indoor stalls. After driving to three sites that were all closed; the day was pretty much a wash out. We treated the old man to a cafe breakfast all the same ( Sainsbury's Crayford.. I wouldn't recommend it ) and more importantly, spent a good 6 hours or so as Father and Sons. It's been a long time since we've had the opportunity and I think he appreciated it, at least I'd hope so. Anyway, moral of the story is, I discovered I can actually be incredibly thoughtful when I want to be, and Lyon know what? It felt good. It still does infact. Do something that requires a but of thought next year; you won regret it.
I guess this brings me into the slightly deep, relatively emotional side of my blog where certain individuals love reading between the lines and picking me apart for it later. Enjoy kids ;).
It's been a really, really strange month. For obvious reasons I won't name names, but anything I do say on here; I hope you don't mind me sharing it.
The first thing that really got this month was playing a little game of Truths with someone. She asked something that actually really threw me at the time; "What's your saddest memory?"
I really had to search for an answer to it as its not something I've ever really considered, and for the sake of feeling a little vulnerable, I don't mind sharing my answer. My grandad's funeral a few years back. More specifically, the point in which my brother and I were stood either side of my old man having just come out of the crematorium main chamber. The service was hard enough to deal with, but I'd done pretty well in containing my emotions, up until the point that my dad turned to us and said something along the lines of "You two are supposed to be supporting me" as his first tear of the day rolled down his cheek. As a pillar of a man that I've leaned on so many times in the past, it's safe to say, this alone broke me. I was so wrapped up in containing my own grief I hadn't spared a thought for the man that had lost his father, and in one single moment, I was met with a crescendo of emotions that I still can't accurately describe. Talk about opening your mind..
It really made me realise that I think I'm somewhat lucky to be able to emotionally disconnect myself in certain scenarios, if a little inhuman. More importantly, it also made me realise that I guess I have a heart. If you read this by the way, thanks :).
As if my own emotional roller coaster wasn't enough, I found myself in two other conversations that were completely unexpected.. It's hard to get across the message without detailing things but I'll do my best as I wouldn't want to break their trust.
So the first was a phone call whilst I was at work with a somewhat 'different' request.. To pop round when I can and check up on their mum. Like a lot of my close friends, I have a habit of calling mums, well, 'mum'. Just something I've always done out of respect and will continue to do so providing that's how they're introduced. What touched me was the fact that I'm seen in that light I guess. If I'm completely transparent, its like walking into territory that I really don't think I'm going to be comfortable with, so I've put it off a little longer than I intended. I'll be round in the week, by the way; sorry it's not been sooner.
The second really came out of the blue, and there are rarely times I'm lost for words, but this was one of them. Similarly, it relates to a friends' parents and is an incredibly difficult situation to come to terms with. Eye-opening again was that they came to me to ask how I cope with dealing with everyone else's burdens whilst also carrying our own. I'm flattered, honoured and frankly, proud. But it's far from easy, and I sympathise completely. Sometimes we really forget to ask how someone is when we're busy off-loading all of our issues and not taking time to consider theirs. If you just felt a slight pang of guilt; remember to ask next time. It's not difficult. And they will appreciate it.
I had one of those moments where I think of the right words at the right time, as follows..
"The heaviest burdens to bear are not ours to bear alone. No matter how things are between us, I'll always be there to share them."
Rocks have feelings too y'know :).
Hope you found something in there worth relating to.. Was a strange experience writing that one. Take care of yourselves, and those that mean the most.
~ Rick
Tuesday 5 June 2012
Understanding Internalisms and Dealing with Externalisms
So I definitely made up the terms "Internalisms" and "Externalisms" but hopefully I'll make sense of them somewhere in this blog.
It's true what they say about never knowing what tomorrow brings.. This morning I was greeted by someone I work *with* (credit to someone that gave me a life lesson regarding how we see people within a work environment no matter their status) that seems to 'always' come worse off in any given situation. It's flattering that someone 25 years my senior would come to me for an opinion I might add. Without going into details about her personal life, I found myself talking about the very title of this blog so hey, why not share it?
The long and short of it is, after many years with her partner, a son together, several homes with the only thing missing being a declaration of vows and a wedding ring; he took it upon himself to turn everything on its head for what I can only assume was satisfying his own ego and leave for another woman.
Perhaps not to such an extremity but I'm sure a lot of people reading this can relate.. Infact, I'm sure some of those reading have been 'that guy'... I'll reserve my judgement. Each to their own and I'm sure you have your reasons.
I'm fortunate enough to have never really been on either side of that situation (as far as I'm aware!) but this blog isn't really about that specifically; but moreso what it means and how to deal with it; hence the title.
Sometimes when you think you've hit the bottom, you can't see anything positive to draw on and you're not quite sure when your break is due; you have to come to the point of understanding that your own happiness is on the back of your own merit. I'm sure I've touched on this before but I found myself explaining it all over again.
The theory itself is really basic in principle, or so I'd like to think.
Internalisms..
By this; I simply mean, everything that we influence and control within ourselves.
Too often do I doubt what I'm doing on a daily basis, asking myself if I'm truly doing all I can to maximise my satisfaction, and the simple answer is; no. For example, despite firing my CV off to numerous agencies, websites and so on before Christmas last year, I never really took the time to look over what I'd written on it three years ago. Was it still relevant to who I am today? Did it really reflect my behaviours, achievements, goals and transferable skills? Not particularly. If I'm honest, it still doesn't, although it reads a lot better than it did those three years ago. For any roles I've applied for and not heard back from; I have no one to blame but myself. I've never really given myself the best opportunity I can, and until I do, I can never be completely satisfied with my efforts.
The same applies to relationships, friendships, sports, gaming (former WoW player here.. Don't ask) and just about any other aspect of life I could think to apply it to. I guess as I started on the theme of relationships it's the next natural explanation..
Unfortunately I think the large majority f people fall into the 'beauty of hindsight' category and never really see mistakes when they're making them; only after they've been made and they're beyond rectification. In relationships its easy to take someone else, and everything they do, for granted. What we never really consider is precisely what we do for them, why we do it, what it means to then and if we're really demonstrating our best selves throughout the relationship. People aren't perfect and I'm not naive enough to discount that; but there is almost always that little bit more we could've done, or rather, should've. More often than not we've suffered a moment where a slip of empathy means we've never really considered what saying something means to a significant other, or worse, not saying anything at all. I'm definitely about to contradict myself but for one, it demonstrates that such matters aren't black and white, and secondly, it's 1am on a Tuesday (technically Wednesday?) and I'm rambling - bear with me ;).
The point I'm trying to make is; our actions, thoughts and feelings that we are accountable for, are our responsibility and ultimately; we have no one to answer to but ourselves. If you can't be happy with yourself, who can you be happy with? Or, in an alternative light, who could ever be happy with you?
Externalisms however..
Are predominately the thoughts, feelings an emotions you associate with someone or indeed something else's doing. If Internalisms are an action, Externalisms are a reaction. More often than not; other people's actions are beyond your means of control (I'd hope that's the case anyway!).
Personally I find it easier to relate Internalisms as positives and therefore Externalisms negatives; although this isn't always the case. Obviously someone doing something nice for you is a positive Externalism; and your reaction will likely be a positive (unless you're an ungrateful misog). In the case of relationships though (we can argue friendships fall into this broader category for what it's worth); we can be very quick to highlight several negatives and overlook the positives. It's human nature in most of us and I'm sure any poker player can tell you a thousand bad beat stories as opposed to when they rode their luck (nearly got there without a poker reference but there's the slip.. Sorry!).
We forget about the mornings that our other halves made us a cup of tea before we had to head out to work, because we like to moan about how inconsiderate they are the one day they forget.. Straying from the point, aren't I?
In the case of my colleague above; there is absolutely nothing she can do now that he's decided to move on because it's a factor outside of her control. He's responsible for his own mind as she is hers, and it's very unlikely that his mind will change once it's been made up. The simple fact of the matter is, that it leaves two options. The first being the least favourable, the negative, downbeat attitude that can't ever seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The alternative; getting over it, moving on and *accepting* that's what's done is done. Deal with it. The only thing you can really relate back to in terms of an explanation is; "Did I do everything I could have done to put myself in the best possible situation?". If the answer is no, then at least you've found something to work on and improve for next time round. Providing you want it, because after all, there will always be a next time if you want it enough.
Life's a pretty tough game in the grand scheme of things, but if you want to enjoy it? That's all down to you.
It's true what they say about never knowing what tomorrow brings.. This morning I was greeted by someone I work *with* (credit to someone that gave me a life lesson regarding how we see people within a work environment no matter their status) that seems to 'always' come worse off in any given situation. It's flattering that someone 25 years my senior would come to me for an opinion I might add. Without going into details about her personal life, I found myself talking about the very title of this blog so hey, why not share it?
The long and short of it is, after many years with her partner, a son together, several homes with the only thing missing being a declaration of vows and a wedding ring; he took it upon himself to turn everything on its head for what I can only assume was satisfying his own ego and leave for another woman.
Perhaps not to such an extremity but I'm sure a lot of people reading this can relate.. Infact, I'm sure some of those reading have been 'that guy'... I'll reserve my judgement. Each to their own and I'm sure you have your reasons.
I'm fortunate enough to have never really been on either side of that situation (as far as I'm aware!) but this blog isn't really about that specifically; but moreso what it means and how to deal with it; hence the title.
Sometimes when you think you've hit the bottom, you can't see anything positive to draw on and you're not quite sure when your break is due; you have to come to the point of understanding that your own happiness is on the back of your own merit. I'm sure I've touched on this before but I found myself explaining it all over again.
The theory itself is really basic in principle, or so I'd like to think.
Internalisms..
By this; I simply mean, everything that we influence and control within ourselves.
Too often do I doubt what I'm doing on a daily basis, asking myself if I'm truly doing all I can to maximise my satisfaction, and the simple answer is; no. For example, despite firing my CV off to numerous agencies, websites and so on before Christmas last year, I never really took the time to look over what I'd written on it three years ago. Was it still relevant to who I am today? Did it really reflect my behaviours, achievements, goals and transferable skills? Not particularly. If I'm honest, it still doesn't, although it reads a lot better than it did those three years ago. For any roles I've applied for and not heard back from; I have no one to blame but myself. I've never really given myself the best opportunity I can, and until I do, I can never be completely satisfied with my efforts.
The same applies to relationships, friendships, sports, gaming (former WoW player here.. Don't ask) and just about any other aspect of life I could think to apply it to. I guess as I started on the theme of relationships it's the next natural explanation..
Unfortunately I think the large majority f people fall into the 'beauty of hindsight' category and never really see mistakes when they're making them; only after they've been made and they're beyond rectification. In relationships its easy to take someone else, and everything they do, for granted. What we never really consider is precisely what we do for them, why we do it, what it means to then and if we're really demonstrating our best selves throughout the relationship. People aren't perfect and I'm not naive enough to discount that; but there is almost always that little bit more we could've done, or rather, should've. More often than not we've suffered a moment where a slip of empathy means we've never really considered what saying something means to a significant other, or worse, not saying anything at all. I'm definitely about to contradict myself but for one, it demonstrates that such matters aren't black and white, and secondly, it's 1am on a Tuesday (technically Wednesday?) and I'm rambling - bear with me ;).
The point I'm trying to make is; our actions, thoughts and feelings that we are accountable for, are our responsibility and ultimately; we have no one to answer to but ourselves. If you can't be happy with yourself, who can you be happy with? Or, in an alternative light, who could ever be happy with you?
Externalisms however..
Are predominately the thoughts, feelings an emotions you associate with someone or indeed something else's doing. If Internalisms are an action, Externalisms are a reaction. More often than not; other people's actions are beyond your means of control (I'd hope that's the case anyway!).
Personally I find it easier to relate Internalisms as positives and therefore Externalisms negatives; although this isn't always the case. Obviously someone doing something nice for you is a positive Externalism; and your reaction will likely be a positive (unless you're an ungrateful misog). In the case of relationships though (we can argue friendships fall into this broader category for what it's worth); we can be very quick to highlight several negatives and overlook the positives. It's human nature in most of us and I'm sure any poker player can tell you a thousand bad beat stories as opposed to when they rode their luck (nearly got there without a poker reference but there's the slip.. Sorry!).
We forget about the mornings that our other halves made us a cup of tea before we had to head out to work, because we like to moan about how inconsiderate they are the one day they forget.. Straying from the point, aren't I?
In the case of my colleague above; there is absolutely nothing she can do now that he's decided to move on because it's a factor outside of her control. He's responsible for his own mind as she is hers, and it's very unlikely that his mind will change once it's been made up. The simple fact of the matter is, that it leaves two options. The first being the least favourable, the negative, downbeat attitude that can't ever seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The alternative; getting over it, moving on and *accepting* that's what's done is done. Deal with it. The only thing you can really relate back to in terms of an explanation is; "Did I do everything I could have done to put myself in the best possible situation?". If the answer is no, then at least you've found something to work on and improve for next time round. Providing you want it, because after all, there will always be a next time if you want it enough.
Life's a pretty tough game in the grand scheme of things, but if you want to enjoy it? That's all down to you.
Friday 25 May 2012
The Highs and Lows of No Limit Hold'Em
I'm sure anyone that's read this blog (including a tweet favourited by @Daleroxxu, a PokerStars online Pro) or anyone that knows me personally recognises that I've put a lot of hours into poker both live and online. My experience ranges from playing in pubs at 18 for £5 with guys all new to the game; fresh fish in a pretty big pond to £50 tournaments at Nottingham's infamous Dusk Til Dawn cardroom; undoubtedly the biggest and best in the UK; not to mention visiting some of the biggest venues in Las Vegas from small scale hotels to the homes of the high rollers in the Bellagio, Venetian, Aria and everything between. In terms of cash poker I've spent many a night in friend's back rooms playing 5p/10p with tins of Fosters, £1/1 in the Fox on Shaftesbury Avenue (likely my preferred venue) and £1/2 in The Empire Casino in the heart of Leicester Square.
It's pretty safe to say that poker, paintball and partying have been the three biggest aspects of my life in the past 18 months; ironically, about the same time that I split with my last missus. Funny how you find the time for things without a woman to nag you all the time ;) (and just in case she's reading this, for anyone that hasn't met her, she's actually borderline amazing; just some things happen at the wrong time.. my bad!)
So what's this blog about, really?
I saw a tweet about a friend learning to play poker for pennies, ironically, not so different to how I first started playing the game (although I think it was for pounds.. how naive of me) and in jest, suggested that it's probably a bad idea to start. I'm actually at the very beginning (as in, I'm a whole day in) of a 10 week poker 'hiatus'. It's predominately down to varying internal / external factors, but as is the nature of poker, I very much consider myself to be on what's known as a 'downswing'. The nature of the game is such that sometimes even when you're playing well; there's nothing you can do about the cards that fall. I've been thinking about taking a break for a few weeks given my lacklustre performance last season at the Nag's Head in Welling. If anyone wants to play recreational poker on a Tuesday night for a mere £5, I recommend it. Once you settle in after a couple of weeks and everyone realises that you're not a melodramatic, egotistical arsehole (in my case, I've been accepted as such; so you've got a pretty high tolerance threshold when I'm in there), it's a great atmosphere with a mix of playing styles, abilities, ages and sometimes genders; although it is (as is the nature of the game) always going to be a predominantly male environment. However, my decision was confirmed after a ridiculously bad night at The Empire.
I had last Saturday off work and nothing planned for Friday night (very unlike me), so thanks to Nathan's generosity and faith in my game, I headed up to meet him in Central London for what would eventually turn out to be an 8 hour session, having planned for only half of that. The night started pretty 'meh' on all accounts and I'd topped up after an hour or so of being in there, switched on my game and started picking spots with a solid read on most of my opponents on the table. Coming up for about 1.30am I'd spun up something like a £450 profit and was contemplating cashing out, naturally sitting in for another round or two to avoid the indecency of taking a huge percentage of someone's stack and then leaving the table; effectively devoiding them the opportunity of winning anything back and reducing the amount of cash on the table. This will be the only hand I explain on this blog (I'd hope) to demonstrate the variance in poker and the brutal reality of the game sometimes. If anyone that plays far more than I do wants to comment on the hand; please do (@freddie_baxter on Twitter).
I'm on the button with 99 (suits are irrelevant), with 3-4 limpers before me so there's ~£12 in the pot. I raise pre-flop to £21 (generally acceptable in the Empire given that a lot of the players on a Friday night have been out for work drinks and are looking to throw lots of money your way.. that and I'm £450 up). The big blind (BB) is the only caller as the rest of the table folds round.
The flop is an absolute dream; 3 9 J rainbow.
I've just flopped the second nuts with the only hand beating me being JJ, very unlikely that the BB doesn't 3-bet this pre, even out of position (OOP) against my button range. Being the tender age of 23 I'm considered to be 'one of those internet kids', so we have a pretty loose, aggressive reputation. So be it.
The BB check / calls my bet of £38; he doesn't have much in this spot other than JX, 33 or QT. I bet big to price his draws and extract max value from a very solid holding; against JX (his most likely), I'm a huge 96% favourite to win the hand. That's just about as good as it gets.
The turn is a pretty bad card if I consider QT a part of his range.. Kd, also bringing a diamond flush draw. Again, the BB check / calls my bet of £84. I think if he's just turned the straight, two pair or any hand that beats an overpair / AK, he's raising here for value considering he's out of position on the river. I actually improve; I'm 100% against any Jx that's not J9, J3 or JK; and I'm a 96% favourite against any of those hands.
The river falls another K. The BB checks to me again and I fire a value bet of £180; the one thing he does is what I'm not expecting. He attempts to shove his entire stack in, but manages to mess up and the dealer calls it a min-raise. I've still got more behind, but suddenly his call / call / shove line makes no sense, except for one hand. I call off the extra £180 and I see the one hand I really don't want to see; KJ.
The guy goes from a mere 10% chance of winning, down to 4%, to 100%. That is the nature of poker, and left a steaming £503 hole in my stack. So much for that four hour profit.
Ironically, just as I wrote this part, Nathan text me the following;
"You'll like this one. I've got AA utg in a straddle. I make it 27, one caller (massive fish, bad player) from the SB, flop Q72, he checks, I bet 35, he raises to 70, I raise to 160, he shoves for 750, I snap. He has JJ. He hits runner runner quads. 1.5k pot... :/"
Horrible game; isn't it?
Most poker players will always stress over their bad runs as opposed to their positive ones. I blogged before about the Nottingham trip in which I was over £1k in profit from the Friday night; so obviously the potential highs speak for themselves.
So, back to that tweet..
On my original point; I advised the world of twitter not to get involved in poker which is actually a really negative outlook. The game can be brutal, but it can also be beautiful. I won't enter the debate about gambling / skill / luck as convincing anyone from outside the poker spectrum will either fail to understand, or choose not to. I don't participate in sports betting and I'm generally pretty effective at avoiding the lure of roulette wheels and blackjack tables.
Poker however is very much a thinking man (or woman)'s game; there's so many levels upon levels which new players can't even begin to appreciate until they experience the game in depth. I still consider myself very much an amateur as a break-even player over the past few years; although I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had, nor the people I've met through poker for anything. Besides that, I'm sure there will come a time I'll pull off a miraculous tournament win to put a deposit on a flat at least. It's all in the grand plan.
On a more serious note; poker is a fantastic hobby if you can exercise the powers of self-control and set yourself limits. On a social level, having anything between 4-10 people around a table with a few drinks and just a few quid between friends is the recipe for a fun and fantastic night. On a professional level? You get the benefits of avoiding tax and choosing the hours you want to work; but I'd suggest working up a huge sample before you even think about that option.
I've now got ten weeks to fill with doing awesome stuff that doesn't involve cards; suggestions welcome!
It's pretty safe to say that poker, paintball and partying have been the three biggest aspects of my life in the past 18 months; ironically, about the same time that I split with my last missus. Funny how you find the time for things without a woman to nag you all the time ;) (and just in case she's reading this, for anyone that hasn't met her, she's actually borderline amazing; just some things happen at the wrong time.. my bad!)
So what's this blog about, really?
I saw a tweet about a friend learning to play poker for pennies, ironically, not so different to how I first started playing the game (although I think it was for pounds.. how naive of me) and in jest, suggested that it's probably a bad idea to start. I'm actually at the very beginning (as in, I'm a whole day in) of a 10 week poker 'hiatus'. It's predominately down to varying internal / external factors, but as is the nature of poker, I very much consider myself to be on what's known as a 'downswing'. The nature of the game is such that sometimes even when you're playing well; there's nothing you can do about the cards that fall. I've been thinking about taking a break for a few weeks given my lacklustre performance last season at the Nag's Head in Welling. If anyone wants to play recreational poker on a Tuesday night for a mere £5, I recommend it. Once you settle in after a couple of weeks and everyone realises that you're not a melodramatic, egotistical arsehole (in my case, I've been accepted as such; so you've got a pretty high tolerance threshold when I'm in there), it's a great atmosphere with a mix of playing styles, abilities, ages and sometimes genders; although it is (as is the nature of the game) always going to be a predominantly male environment. However, my decision was confirmed after a ridiculously bad night at The Empire.
I had last Saturday off work and nothing planned for Friday night (very unlike me), so thanks to Nathan's generosity and faith in my game, I headed up to meet him in Central London for what would eventually turn out to be an 8 hour session, having planned for only half of that. The night started pretty 'meh' on all accounts and I'd topped up after an hour or so of being in there, switched on my game and started picking spots with a solid read on most of my opponents on the table. Coming up for about 1.30am I'd spun up something like a £450 profit and was contemplating cashing out, naturally sitting in for another round or two to avoid the indecency of taking a huge percentage of someone's stack and then leaving the table; effectively devoiding them the opportunity of winning anything back and reducing the amount of cash on the table. This will be the only hand I explain on this blog (I'd hope) to demonstrate the variance in poker and the brutal reality of the game sometimes. If anyone that plays far more than I do wants to comment on the hand; please do (@freddie_baxter on Twitter).
I'm on the button with 99 (suits are irrelevant), with 3-4 limpers before me so there's ~£12 in the pot. I raise pre-flop to £21 (generally acceptable in the Empire given that a lot of the players on a Friday night have been out for work drinks and are looking to throw lots of money your way.. that and I'm £450 up). The big blind (BB) is the only caller as the rest of the table folds round.
The flop is an absolute dream; 3 9 J rainbow.
I've just flopped the second nuts with the only hand beating me being JJ, very unlikely that the BB doesn't 3-bet this pre, even out of position (OOP) against my button range. Being the tender age of 23 I'm considered to be 'one of those internet kids', so we have a pretty loose, aggressive reputation. So be it.
The BB check / calls my bet of £38; he doesn't have much in this spot other than JX, 33 or QT. I bet big to price his draws and extract max value from a very solid holding; against JX (his most likely), I'm a huge 96% favourite to win the hand. That's just about as good as it gets.
The turn is a pretty bad card if I consider QT a part of his range.. Kd, also bringing a diamond flush draw. Again, the BB check / calls my bet of £84. I think if he's just turned the straight, two pair or any hand that beats an overpair / AK, he's raising here for value considering he's out of position on the river. I actually improve; I'm 100% against any Jx that's not J9, J3 or JK; and I'm a 96% favourite against any of those hands.
The river falls another K. The BB checks to me again and I fire a value bet of £180; the one thing he does is what I'm not expecting. He attempts to shove his entire stack in, but manages to mess up and the dealer calls it a min-raise. I've still got more behind, but suddenly his call / call / shove line makes no sense, except for one hand. I call off the extra £180 and I see the one hand I really don't want to see; KJ.
The guy goes from a mere 10% chance of winning, down to 4%, to 100%. That is the nature of poker, and left a steaming £503 hole in my stack. So much for that four hour profit.
Ironically, just as I wrote this part, Nathan text me the following;
"You'll like this one. I've got AA utg in a straddle. I make it 27, one caller (massive fish, bad player) from the SB, flop Q72, he checks, I bet 35, he raises to 70, I raise to 160, he shoves for 750, I snap. He has JJ. He hits runner runner quads. 1.5k pot... :/"
Horrible game; isn't it?
Most poker players will always stress over their bad runs as opposed to their positive ones. I blogged before about the Nottingham trip in which I was over £1k in profit from the Friday night; so obviously the potential highs speak for themselves.
So, back to that tweet..
On my original point; I advised the world of twitter not to get involved in poker which is actually a really negative outlook. The game can be brutal, but it can also be beautiful. I won't enter the debate about gambling / skill / luck as convincing anyone from outside the poker spectrum will either fail to understand, or choose not to. I don't participate in sports betting and I'm generally pretty effective at avoiding the lure of roulette wheels and blackjack tables.
Poker however is very much a thinking man (or woman)'s game; there's so many levels upon levels which new players can't even begin to appreciate until they experience the game in depth. I still consider myself very much an amateur as a break-even player over the past few years; although I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had, nor the people I've met through poker for anything. Besides that, I'm sure there will come a time I'll pull off a miraculous tournament win to put a deposit on a flat at least. It's all in the grand plan.
On a more serious note; poker is a fantastic hobby if you can exercise the powers of self-control and set yourself limits. On a social level, having anything between 4-10 people around a table with a few drinks and just a few quid between friends is the recipe for a fun and fantastic night. On a professional level? You get the benefits of avoiding tax and choosing the hours you want to work; but I'd suggest working up a huge sample before you even think about that option.
I've now got ten weeks to fill with doing awesome stuff that doesn't involve cards; suggestions welcome!
Friday 18 May 2012
Waffle.
Ever had that feeling in which you just need to write down and reflect, with no specific intention, motive nor reason?
I've just discovered one of those moments and it's precisely why the title reads as it does; waffle. I have no idea what I want to talk about, I can't think of any insightful advice or passionate opinion, so I'll just write, and I guess that means you're invited to read!
You know, I really hate that question you're always asked when you see someone that you don't see that often.. "So, what have you been upto?".. There's only one question that tops it; "Still in Burton?" - the answer's still yes. Except I work for Dorothy Perkins too. Funnily enough, that's almost the answer to the initial question. "Work, paintball, poker, driving pissheads (we'll call them friends from this point on) home"... and undoubtedly I've gone no more than a 3-week stretch with at least one visit to Pure.
The worst thing is? I always find myself asking that question too! It's such a mundane yet easy opener for someone you know, to the point I almost find it easier talking to strangers. Little bit backwards but hey ho!
Regardless, what *have* I done for the past month?
Giving up smoking. Literally harder than ever.. I did it a few years ago when I was in a relationship with a non-smoker; not for her as she never asked; but it just didn't sit right with me. Giving up was easy then, almost too easy. Either that or life was far less stressful and consuming in comparison to how it is now.
I took the option not to make a big deal about my giving up as I did on New Years because in a realistic sense, I'm well aware there's a very significant failure rate as far as I'm concerned. Breaking any sort of habit is incredibly difficult and I allow myself too many bad influences (you know who you are) around me which makes it even more challenging. Don't get me wrong, I've smoked more than I've intended, predominately on nights out; but I've probably smoked say ~40 cigs in the past month, equivalent to just over two per day. Considering I'd easily do anywhere between 8-20 a day (depending what day it was), I see it as a huge achievement and I'm not ashamed to say I'm quite proud of myself for it.
Alongside this, I've been running far more frequently. If you've seen the pale legs sticking out from the generic black running outfit in Hall Place of an evening; I apologise for any offence my whiter-than-white pins may have caused. To the girl that whistled once.. Hi ;).
Enough of that. On a more negative note, I haven't been tracking my runs and therefore not keeping a record of my distance / times and how I've improved. This is a mistake, in honesty, and I intend to rectify it by the end of the month. I've also convinced my old dear to come running at least one night a week, so for any of you with a liking toward 60something married women of two.. Please remove yourselves from my Facebook. Thanks.
Drinking! This one I find a lot easier than smoking; I've had hardly anything that even constitutes 'a drink' in the past month and it's almost to the point I have no recollection of what hangovers feel like. Bet you're all jealous. Rich has sort of joined me on this one too; he already had one up with the no-smoking considering he never started but I think he felt he was slacking. That and he does plenty of MMA. Drunk fighters don't win much.
Paintball and poker being two things close to my heart (there are things closer, don't worry), I seem to have got them confused.
At the end of last season, I said I'd be giving up paintball for at least a year (think i explained this in an earlier blog).. Yet in the past month I've played the whole of one event and a few games of the one just gone after agreeing to coach for my team.
The first event went really well; it's the first time we chose to completely ignore the scoreboards given we have a few new players in the squad; just try to integrate them, have fun and enjoy the sport. Turns out, it came down to the last game for a podium finish. Pleased to say I pulled off one of my finer performances (I can only think of two specific games I'd played better in previous) to overturn a 3-on-1 situation and make sure we placed third. It was nice coming back to a 'one off' and coming back with a trophy.
The event weekend just gone wasn't quite as smooth however.. Stormed the first game, lost the next three and then went on to steady the ship. Couldn't turn it round though and missed out on third by something like 40 points; shame, but not the end of the world.
Poker on the other hand, I haven't been playing nearly as much as I was at the back end of last year and earlier this year. Since Nottingham I've been on what I can only describe as a downswing. I set aside Bank Holiday weekend for a £40 charity event which saw my departure in pretty shocking fashion. With 77 on 7c4c2d I got it in against TT.. The board ran out another two clubs for his flush at odds of 26-1.. Lovely! Think I lumped something like £30-40 at a worthwhile charity though (LittleBuds) so it was a pretty productive day. Nice to see a relatively large poker 'community' turn out too and bodes well for future events.
I've written this whole thing on my phone and haven't read back over it, so I'm expecting plenty of spelling errors (iPhones are handy like that) and wrong words in the wrong places.
So yeh; don't think I did much other than talk complete waffle? Said I would, so if you're still reading, thanks, and I hope you enjoyed it all the same.
I'll be sure to come up with something inspiring and generally awesome next time. Until then.. :)
I've just discovered one of those moments and it's precisely why the title reads as it does; waffle. I have no idea what I want to talk about, I can't think of any insightful advice or passionate opinion, so I'll just write, and I guess that means you're invited to read!
You know, I really hate that question you're always asked when you see someone that you don't see that often.. "So, what have you been upto?".. There's only one question that tops it; "Still in Burton?" - the answer's still yes. Except I work for Dorothy Perkins too. Funnily enough, that's almost the answer to the initial question. "Work, paintball, poker, driving pissheads (we'll call them friends from this point on) home"... and undoubtedly I've gone no more than a 3-week stretch with at least one visit to Pure.
The worst thing is? I always find myself asking that question too! It's such a mundane yet easy opener for someone you know, to the point I almost find it easier talking to strangers. Little bit backwards but hey ho!
Regardless, what *have* I done for the past month?
Giving up smoking. Literally harder than ever.. I did it a few years ago when I was in a relationship with a non-smoker; not for her as she never asked; but it just didn't sit right with me. Giving up was easy then, almost too easy. Either that or life was far less stressful and consuming in comparison to how it is now.
I took the option not to make a big deal about my giving up as I did on New Years because in a realistic sense, I'm well aware there's a very significant failure rate as far as I'm concerned. Breaking any sort of habit is incredibly difficult and I allow myself too many bad influences (you know who you are) around me which makes it even more challenging. Don't get me wrong, I've smoked more than I've intended, predominately on nights out; but I've probably smoked say ~40 cigs in the past month, equivalent to just over two per day. Considering I'd easily do anywhere between 8-20 a day (depending what day it was), I see it as a huge achievement and I'm not ashamed to say I'm quite proud of myself for it.
Alongside this, I've been running far more frequently. If you've seen the pale legs sticking out from the generic black running outfit in Hall Place of an evening; I apologise for any offence my whiter-than-white pins may have caused. To the girl that whistled once.. Hi ;).
Enough of that. On a more negative note, I haven't been tracking my runs and therefore not keeping a record of my distance / times and how I've improved. This is a mistake, in honesty, and I intend to rectify it by the end of the month. I've also convinced my old dear to come running at least one night a week, so for any of you with a liking toward 60something married women of two.. Please remove yourselves from my Facebook. Thanks.
Drinking! This one I find a lot easier than smoking; I've had hardly anything that even constitutes 'a drink' in the past month and it's almost to the point I have no recollection of what hangovers feel like. Bet you're all jealous. Rich has sort of joined me on this one too; he already had one up with the no-smoking considering he never started but I think he felt he was slacking. That and he does plenty of MMA. Drunk fighters don't win much.
Paintball and poker being two things close to my heart (there are things closer, don't worry), I seem to have got them confused.
At the end of last season, I said I'd be giving up paintball for at least a year (think i explained this in an earlier blog).. Yet in the past month I've played the whole of one event and a few games of the one just gone after agreeing to coach for my team.
The first event went really well; it's the first time we chose to completely ignore the scoreboards given we have a few new players in the squad; just try to integrate them, have fun and enjoy the sport. Turns out, it came down to the last game for a podium finish. Pleased to say I pulled off one of my finer performances (I can only think of two specific games I'd played better in previous) to overturn a 3-on-1 situation and make sure we placed third. It was nice coming back to a 'one off' and coming back with a trophy.
The event weekend just gone wasn't quite as smooth however.. Stormed the first game, lost the next three and then went on to steady the ship. Couldn't turn it round though and missed out on third by something like 40 points; shame, but not the end of the world.
Poker on the other hand, I haven't been playing nearly as much as I was at the back end of last year and earlier this year. Since Nottingham I've been on what I can only describe as a downswing. I set aside Bank Holiday weekend for a £40 charity event which saw my departure in pretty shocking fashion. With 77 on 7c4c2d I got it in against TT.. The board ran out another two clubs for his flush at odds of 26-1.. Lovely! Think I lumped something like £30-40 at a worthwhile charity though (LittleBuds) so it was a pretty productive day. Nice to see a relatively large poker 'community' turn out too and bodes well for future events.
I've written this whole thing on my phone and haven't read back over it, so I'm expecting plenty of spelling errors (iPhones are handy like that) and wrong words in the wrong places.
So yeh; don't think I did much other than talk complete waffle? Said I would, so if you're still reading, thanks, and I hope you enjoyed it all the same.
I'll be sure to come up with something inspiring and generally awesome next time. Until then.. :)
Sunday 22 April 2012
Checking in with reality..
So I'm writing this purely for my own benefit and I guess those that read it will be those that take time out themselves to check this blog rather than clicking on a FB / twitter link because they're bored..
After an incredibly productive day in taking third at the Southern Masters Paintball and settling for second at The George for a fiver short of first place; I took the time to reflect on the past few months. I made a passing comment to Rich along the lines of "I'm not quite sure where I've been going wrong recently.." then had one of those eureka moments where everything makes sense. Naturally, I figured this blog was the best place to get it off my chest.
I like to believe (and I'm sure I have critics on both sides) that I'm a pretty dab hand at giving advice across a wide variety of subjects; be it work, relationships, friendships, poker, paintball or those niggling life decisions that you need an external opinion on.. My problem with this..?
I've failed to take my own advice on more than one occasion. I've been in many situations recently in which i should've taken an objective view and discover the answers, but failed to do so and ultimately paid the price in one way or another.
Without being too specific; I've been far too content with being second best, a stop-gap or just a temporary fulfilment to people without really considering what's best for me in both the short and long term. I generally look to be the best I can be.. For someone else.
Selfless and egotistically satisfying? Maybe. But as it goes on; I've never really made it my priority to be honest with myself about what's best for me, and realistically, that's more important than anything else. I don't think it's wrong to "look out for number one" and infact, I think it's actually incredibly healthy.
When your expectations are high, you have to accept there will be several disappointments so you can really appreciate the penultimate taste of success. Besides; how can you determine what's truly the best thing for you if there aren't pitfalls on the way?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
It's an ancient Chinese proverb that I'm sure the large majority of those reading this will have heard; yet I've only just come to truly understand it.
So my parting advice to anyone that reads this, and indeed myself?
Live life for yourself. Share it with those that don't take you for granted; but truly appreciate how fortunate they are to have you.
After an incredibly productive day in taking third at the Southern Masters Paintball and settling for second at The George for a fiver short of first place; I took the time to reflect on the past few months. I made a passing comment to Rich along the lines of "I'm not quite sure where I've been going wrong recently.." then had one of those eureka moments where everything makes sense. Naturally, I figured this blog was the best place to get it off my chest.
I like to believe (and I'm sure I have critics on both sides) that I'm a pretty dab hand at giving advice across a wide variety of subjects; be it work, relationships, friendships, poker, paintball or those niggling life decisions that you need an external opinion on.. My problem with this..?
I've failed to take my own advice on more than one occasion. I've been in many situations recently in which i should've taken an objective view and discover the answers, but failed to do so and ultimately paid the price in one way or another.
Without being too specific; I've been far too content with being second best, a stop-gap or just a temporary fulfilment to people without really considering what's best for me in both the short and long term. I generally look to be the best I can be.. For someone else.
Selfless and egotistically satisfying? Maybe. But as it goes on; I've never really made it my priority to be honest with myself about what's best for me, and realistically, that's more important than anything else. I don't think it's wrong to "look out for number one" and infact, I think it's actually incredibly healthy.
When your expectations are high, you have to accept there will be several disappointments so you can really appreciate the penultimate taste of success. Besides; how can you determine what's truly the best thing for you if there aren't pitfalls on the way?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
It's an ancient Chinese proverb that I'm sure the large majority of those reading this will have heard; yet I've only just come to truly understand it.
So my parting advice to anyone that reads this, and indeed myself?
Live life for yourself. Share it with those that don't take you for granted; but truly appreciate how fortunate they are to have you.
Friday 6 April 2012
Tuesday 3 April 2012
The Post-Nottingham Report
I guess this is as close to a 'disclaimer' as you'll get. The first part of this blog will be very much focused on poker, so if you've got no interest in reading it, wait for the next installment. I was going to add it on the end, but time flies and a post-midnight blog with work in the morning isn't on the cards..
Nottingham - The Big Poker Weekender
So those of you reading this probably understand how the pub poker leagues work.. playing for points (and the money, obviously) each week to earn a place in the top two in order to qualify for a regional final. Placing in the top eight in that means you qualify for the National; the top 8 from that then get flown out to Vegas to play their final table out. It's a pretty sweet deal if you make it all the way at least.
Nathan managed to qualify for the National early on in the season, so obviously any excuse to have a tear-up in some random city is a good excuse. Ironically enough, the poker started on Friday night up town and was undoubtedly my best session to date.
Friday 23rd March - Where the fun begins.. Empire Casino & Fox Poker Club
I'm pretty lucky to have Nathan back me in cash games in town. Heading up with a paltry £20 in my wallet, we started the day at The Fox, playing a £30 bounty tournament. Against the odds, we somehow managed to all finish in the final 11 of 60 or so runners.. only to majestically fall short of the money in 11th (Rich), 10th (Rick) and 8th (Nathan). Pretty disappointing result but I took four bounties at a fiver each so it wasn't a tragic result; and pretty promising we all managed a deep run. Says a lot for how our game has come on since starting at the Ivory Lounge on a Tuesday night. We'll likely play more tourneys in future and hopefully be placing in the top 3.. there's a goal.
We moved onto The Empire, host to £1/£2 cash games. Within an hour I'd cashed out for £740, returned Nathan's £300 stake plus 30% on top as our agreement stands; pretty profitable for someone that walked out of the house with £20. Given that I was about £300 better off I agreed to pay for dinner at Henry's in Covent Garden (the pasta's lush, I'd recommend it) and head back to The Fox for the 7pm tourney with Rich.. as always, we'd missed level 1 and turned up nearer 8pm.. who likes being on time anyway? We both managed to bust pretty soon after sitting down so inevitably the cash tables were calling for my profits. Not long into my session I'd spun up £100 to somewhere in region of £300 and was told of a £1/£1 Round of Each being played (round of Hold'Em, round of Omaha). After taking my seat it was pretty obvious the whole table preferred Omaha which was music to my ears. The clock ticked on, and the most eventful part of the night was just before midnight; the dealer was finishing dead on 12 and predicted we'd have 4-5 hands to play before the table broke, so offered us 4, 5 or 6 cards under standard Omaha rules. Everyone opted for 6, and it wasn't long before we saw why..
In the third hand, I picked up 8899TJ with two suits (hearts & spades) and pot raised to £12.. two of the remaining three players came along, seeing £36 in the pot before the flop. Flop comes 6h7cQh - giving me the open ended straight draw (wrap at the top end) and a pretty weak flush draw. The short stack on the table leads out for £36, which I pot raise expecting to get it in and have the guy behind me fold. He does the opposite and pot raises all-in; the short stack puts himself in and I can never fold for the extra. I'm pretty happy with a solid draw and no made hand.. the short-stack shows QQ2xxx for top set, the guy on my left AA66xx with two hearts for bottom set, an overpair and the nut flush draw. I'm not in awful shape but I hate the fact my heart draw is dead. The turn is a meaningless 3 and I scoop a ~£700 pot effectively breaking the table, sending my profit to £1,020 for the night and still in time for the last train home with Rich; who can only say "You're sick".
Saturday 24th - Pack the bags and get moving..
We pre-arranged a 9.30am start for the trip to Nottingham. I think we were all well aware that was probably not the best idea, but there was a tourney starting at 2pm, not to mention finding where we were supposed to be in the first place. I picked up Rich just before 10am, stopped off for some essential supplies (water & cigarettes no less) before heading to Nathan's and then starting the three hour drive up "North". The drive was pretty smooth, with a stop off in "My snuggly bed" somewhere in Milton Keynes and only the one traffic hold-up on the way. We arrived in Nottingham in good time, just to find our hotel was dead opposite Trent Bridge Stadium, on match day. Would've probably been easier to jump on the coach with all the Brighton & Hove fans but hey-ho! The hotel wasn't bad, at £25 a night we weren't expecting a miracle regardless and I'm sure Rich didn't really mind the camp-type-bed he ended up in. That's the downside to being last in; you get the worst bed. Golden rule.
Onto Dusk Til Dawn and the £50 deep stack..
Generally the rule in poker is; you get what you pay for. The higher buy-in tourneys are always of a better structure to allow for more depth in play, not to mention big guarantee prize pools. Traditionally, we'd all agreed to miss level one, but Rich & Nathan registered and squeezed in for the last ten minutes. Like a hero, I managed to be put on the first reserve so I missed level one.. entered level two and subsequently bust by level three. Running KK into AA is a pretty sick spot in a tourney and I genuinely contemplated getting away from it, but I think I would've been annoyed for the rest of the tourney if I had've folded and been wrong.
They allowed one rebuy which both Nath & I ended up taking (spiraling our entry cost to £118 each.. ouch) and I went on to last the longest out of the three, eventually busting in about level 12. I'm not unhappy with the way I played, picked my spots well and ended up busting in pretty standard fashion. Unfortunate, but that's poker, and there's always next time.
Saturday Night.. Are you lost?
So Rich and I thought we'd have a job getting Nathan out of the poker-room to come party on Saturday night, but turns out he was as up for it as we were; so let the mess begin. As I generally enjoy talking to anyone and everyone on a night out, I urged the boys to ask randoms where the best place to go on a Saturday night in Nottingham is. It came back pretty conclusively as Gatecrasher, so hey, that's where we headed. I could probably try and explain what happened on the night, but if I'm honest, I don't remember parts of it. A girl I hadn't even spoken to did make a point of calling me a "dirty southern bastard" though; quite an impressive read if you ask me! I guess the following picture kinda sums up the weekend pretty well..
Nottingham - The Big Poker Weekender
So those of you reading this probably understand how the pub poker leagues work.. playing for points (and the money, obviously) each week to earn a place in the top two in order to qualify for a regional final. Placing in the top eight in that means you qualify for the National; the top 8 from that then get flown out to Vegas to play their final table out. It's a pretty sweet deal if you make it all the way at least.
Nathan managed to qualify for the National early on in the season, so obviously any excuse to have a tear-up in some random city is a good excuse. Ironically enough, the poker started on Friday night up town and was undoubtedly my best session to date.
Friday 23rd March - Where the fun begins.. Empire Casino & Fox Poker Club
I'm pretty lucky to have Nathan back me in cash games in town. Heading up with a paltry £20 in my wallet, we started the day at The Fox, playing a £30 bounty tournament. Against the odds, we somehow managed to all finish in the final 11 of 60 or so runners.. only to majestically fall short of the money in 11th (Rich), 10th (Rick) and 8th (Nathan). Pretty disappointing result but I took four bounties at a fiver each so it wasn't a tragic result; and pretty promising we all managed a deep run. Says a lot for how our game has come on since starting at the Ivory Lounge on a Tuesday night. We'll likely play more tourneys in future and hopefully be placing in the top 3.. there's a goal.
We moved onto The Empire, host to £1/£2 cash games. Within an hour I'd cashed out for £740, returned Nathan's £300 stake plus 30% on top as our agreement stands; pretty profitable for someone that walked out of the house with £20. Given that I was about £300 better off I agreed to pay for dinner at Henry's in Covent Garden (the pasta's lush, I'd recommend it) and head back to The Fox for the 7pm tourney with Rich.. as always, we'd missed level 1 and turned up nearer 8pm.. who likes being on time anyway? We both managed to bust pretty soon after sitting down so inevitably the cash tables were calling for my profits. Not long into my session I'd spun up £100 to somewhere in region of £300 and was told of a £1/£1 Round of Each being played (round of Hold'Em, round of Omaha). After taking my seat it was pretty obvious the whole table preferred Omaha which was music to my ears. The clock ticked on, and the most eventful part of the night was just before midnight; the dealer was finishing dead on 12 and predicted we'd have 4-5 hands to play before the table broke, so offered us 4, 5 or 6 cards under standard Omaha rules. Everyone opted for 6, and it wasn't long before we saw why..
In the third hand, I picked up 8899TJ with two suits (hearts & spades) and pot raised to £12.. two of the remaining three players came along, seeing £36 in the pot before the flop. Flop comes 6h7cQh - giving me the open ended straight draw (wrap at the top end) and a pretty weak flush draw. The short stack on the table leads out for £36, which I pot raise expecting to get it in and have the guy behind me fold. He does the opposite and pot raises all-in; the short stack puts himself in and I can never fold for the extra. I'm pretty happy with a solid draw and no made hand.. the short-stack shows QQ2xxx for top set, the guy on my left AA66xx with two hearts for bottom set, an overpair and the nut flush draw. I'm not in awful shape but I hate the fact my heart draw is dead. The turn is a meaningless 3 and I scoop a ~£700 pot effectively breaking the table, sending my profit to £1,020 for the night and still in time for the last train home with Rich; who can only say "You're sick".
Saturday 24th - Pack the bags and get moving..
We pre-arranged a 9.30am start for the trip to Nottingham. I think we were all well aware that was probably not the best idea, but there was a tourney starting at 2pm, not to mention finding where we were supposed to be in the first place. I picked up Rich just before 10am, stopped off for some essential supplies (water & cigarettes no less) before heading to Nathan's and then starting the three hour drive up "North". The drive was pretty smooth, with a stop off in "My snuggly bed" somewhere in Milton Keynes and only the one traffic hold-up on the way. We arrived in Nottingham in good time, just to find our hotel was dead opposite Trent Bridge Stadium, on match day. Would've probably been easier to jump on the coach with all the Brighton & Hove fans but hey-ho! The hotel wasn't bad, at £25 a night we weren't expecting a miracle regardless and I'm sure Rich didn't really mind the camp-type-bed he ended up in. That's the downside to being last in; you get the worst bed. Golden rule.
Onto Dusk Til Dawn and the £50 deep stack..
Generally the rule in poker is; you get what you pay for. The higher buy-in tourneys are always of a better structure to allow for more depth in play, not to mention big guarantee prize pools. Traditionally, we'd all agreed to miss level one, but Rich & Nathan registered and squeezed in for the last ten minutes. Like a hero, I managed to be put on the first reserve so I missed level one.. entered level two and subsequently bust by level three. Running KK into AA is a pretty sick spot in a tourney and I genuinely contemplated getting away from it, but I think I would've been annoyed for the rest of the tourney if I had've folded and been wrong.
They allowed one rebuy which both Nath & I ended up taking (spiraling our entry cost to £118 each.. ouch) and I went on to last the longest out of the three, eventually busting in about level 12. I'm not unhappy with the way I played, picked my spots well and ended up busting in pretty standard fashion. Unfortunate, but that's poker, and there's always next time.
Saturday Night.. Are you lost?
So Rich and I thought we'd have a job getting Nathan out of the poker-room to come party on Saturday night, but turns out he was as up for it as we were; so let the mess begin. As I generally enjoy talking to anyone and everyone on a night out, I urged the boys to ask randoms where the best place to go on a Saturday night in Nottingham is. It came back pretty conclusively as Gatecrasher, so hey, that's where we headed. I could probably try and explain what happened on the night, but if I'm honest, I don't remember parts of it. A girl I hadn't even spoken to did make a point of calling me a "dirty southern bastard" though; quite an impressive read if you ask me! I guess the following picture kinda sums up the weekend pretty well..
In some respects; I guess we were..
Sunday, Monday and beyond..
So the whole point of Nottingham in the first place was for Nathan to play this tournament that pub poker players up and down the country were to turn up for. The annoying thing was, it started at midday but we had to be there for 10am.. That means this designated driver had to haul his arse out of bed on four hours sleep to drive back to the poker room. On arrival we were told of the free fry-up on offer (amazing how that makes you feel so much better right?), not to mention Lauren Pope made an appearance for the sake of promoting RedTooth and letting people have a picture with her for £5 a time. Quite frankly, I wasn't looking my best on very little sleep and sweating alcohol so I decided to go without. Besides; breakfast was more important.
The tournament started at 12:30 and Nathan managed to last an impressive.. 7 minutes? There or thereabouts. Our only saving grace was that as tables began to free up from the tournament, the cash tables started running. Little did we know, but this would be the beginning of our 13 hour stint at the tables, save the 20 minute break for Nando's courtesy of Rich's £25 profit at the time. I think by the end of Sunday we all pretty much broke even, but hey, it kept us entertained until 4am.. The club closed, so we took the decision to find a 24 hour McDonald's with great success. Even got to see a fight kick off whilst enjoying our breakfast; definitely haven't experienced that in Bexleyheath.
Having not paid any attention whatsoever to the check-out times and suchlike; we were pretty lucky to leave around 10am; and despite little sleep, too much poker and a modesty profit by the end of the weekend; I still found time to squeeze in a JD & coke at the Wrong Un. All in all? One of my most memorable weekends in recent times; most definitely this year. We're all planning on finding more suitable tournaments around the country; not to mention building bankrolls to support playing them at the same time. Besides; the UKIPT has £1million guaranteed prizepools with around £200k to first; who wouldn't want the same shot?
You'll have to wait til next time for some insight into the deeper, more personal revelations. Look forward to it; won't be long :)
Thursday 22 March 2012
Its OK to lose, as long as you learn something..
So what best to do than finish a quiet Saturday night in with a blog update, and a positive one at that.
Every time I go to write a blog I tend to flick over my last one to delve back into whatever concept I'm trying to demonstrate in the previous and see if I've lived by it myself. The one person you're only ever really accountable to afterall, is yourself. You have to stand by your decisions and live with the results. I'm not quite sure what direction this post will be going in but apparently I have a way with words, so hopefully you'll follow it to the end and find out at the same time I do.
Where to start..? Poker? Let's get it over with!
I know this bit is the boring part, so hey-ho, you'll all be pleased to hear I went from $150 to approximately $1,200 and I'm now sat around.. $155.48. The worst part about it is (and non-poker players probably won't understand this), but I've been playing somewhere between OK and very well; but just been on an inevitable downswing. Having been consistently winning for the past few weeks; there was a point in which I'd have to start losing to satisfy variance (think of it like karma if that helps). I guess that's over and done with now so I'll look forward to winning in Nottingham.. which rolls me on nicely to the next section.
24th & 25th March.. Making a mess in Nottingham
Nathan qualified for the pub poker league National Final in what feels like an eternity ago. I missed out on my own seat by something like 14 places, which was pretty disappointing considering I was cruising through a field of 175 players at the time, but that's the nature of the game so I guess I'll have to get over it. With the way the league works, the top 10 players from the nationals have their tournament 'frozen' effectively; following this, they're flown out to Las Vegas for 5 days.. one of which is spent playing out their final table, the other 4? Well, enjoying Vegas. So here's to hoping Nathan plays out of his skin and wins a seat in Vegas on the 25th, because I've already booked myself in as his +1 and quite frankly, a free trip to Vegas is probably on the top of my Christmas list this year.
Having managed to convince Rich that Nottingham is probably the best poker-related idea since we discovered we both play regularly, he's coming for the journey too on the promise that I'll be drinking throughout Saturday night...
So this has been sat here since Saturday night...
And being Thursday, two days before Nottingham, I've just got back to writing it. Nathan landed at Heathrow at approximately 7:30pm.. he was in the car by 7:58 and in Pure just before 10. Pretty good effort on all accounts. His revenge though? Making me shake on a Vegas trip this year. There's a picture on Facebook that's upside down (Rich isn't very good at using technology when he's drunk) of the agreement so I guess that's locked in. As if I didn't have enough to worry about.. I now have a two week engagement in Vegas to be considered a 'working' holiday. Brilliant. Cheers Nath.
I've kinda forgotten my point, so here's a whole new one!
I have a lot to learn with this blogging business. Such as finishing what you start (hands up, I've never been good at this) and being decisive in your subjects. I think one of my specialties is avoiding the latter purely to allow myself to ramble on, become distracted and talk about something entirely unrelated - much like I'm doing now. So, I'll put a close on this one. After dropping a few people home tonight I wound up in one of those really awkward "are we really having this conversation" moments, you know, the kind of conversation that's acceptable after you've had a drink but is probably best left alone when you're sober? Yup. One of those. I'm glad it happened though; really opened my eyes to an issue I've never really considered before, and something I'd like to share with you incase you ever find yourself in the same / similar situation. If just one person can take something away from this? I'm pleased I wrote it.
It's OK to lose, as long as you learn something...
This is pretty personal to me right now; to the point that I'm still weighing up the pros and cons in my head of writing it / posting it. If anything? Leaves me leaving pretty vulnerable, but sometimes that's for the best. I could probably rattle on for hours about social dynamics, relationships, morality and ethics surrounding the two and so on and so forth. Without having actually taken a psychology degree I think it's one of the most fascinating unknowns that I should've probably pursued earlier in life. Every single person is like a puzzle, and without stroking my own ego, I'm usually pretty good at putting the pieces together; or at least, most of them. Everyone has little surprises they like to throw at you now and then; not to mention I'm more than capable of misreading scenarios / situations - but making mistakes is what keeps me thinking; and I appreciate that.
There's one topic in particular that's really been weighing on my mind recently so this is part of the process in overcoming it I guess. The topic in question..?
Every time I go to write a blog I tend to flick over my last one to delve back into whatever concept I'm trying to demonstrate in the previous and see if I've lived by it myself. The one person you're only ever really accountable to afterall, is yourself. You have to stand by your decisions and live with the results. I'm not quite sure what direction this post will be going in but apparently I have a way with words, so hopefully you'll follow it to the end and find out at the same time I do.
Where to start..? Poker? Let's get it over with!
I know this bit is the boring part, so hey-ho, you'll all be pleased to hear I went from $150 to approximately $1,200 and I'm now sat around.. $155.48. The worst part about it is (and non-poker players probably won't understand this), but I've been playing somewhere between OK and very well; but just been on an inevitable downswing. Having been consistently winning for the past few weeks; there was a point in which I'd have to start losing to satisfy variance (think of it like karma if that helps). I guess that's over and done with now so I'll look forward to winning in Nottingham.. which rolls me on nicely to the next section.
24th & 25th March.. Making a mess in Nottingham
Nathan qualified for the pub poker league National Final in what feels like an eternity ago. I missed out on my own seat by something like 14 places, which was pretty disappointing considering I was cruising through a field of 175 players at the time, but that's the nature of the game so I guess I'll have to get over it. With the way the league works, the top 10 players from the nationals have their tournament 'frozen' effectively; following this, they're flown out to Las Vegas for 5 days.. one of which is spent playing out their final table, the other 4? Well, enjoying Vegas. So here's to hoping Nathan plays out of his skin and wins a seat in Vegas on the 25th, because I've already booked myself in as his +1 and quite frankly, a free trip to Vegas is probably on the top of my Christmas list this year.
Having managed to convince Rich that Nottingham is probably the best poker-related idea since we discovered we both play regularly, he's coming for the journey too on the promise that I'll be drinking throughout Saturday night...
So this has been sat here since Saturday night...
And being Thursday, two days before Nottingham, I've just got back to writing it. Nathan landed at Heathrow at approximately 7:30pm.. he was in the car by 7:58 and in Pure just before 10. Pretty good effort on all accounts. His revenge though? Making me shake on a Vegas trip this year. There's a picture on Facebook that's upside down (Rich isn't very good at using technology when he's drunk) of the agreement so I guess that's locked in. As if I didn't have enough to worry about.. I now have a two week engagement in Vegas to be considered a 'working' holiday. Brilliant. Cheers Nath.
I've kinda forgotten my point, so here's a whole new one!
I have a lot to learn with this blogging business. Such as finishing what you start (hands up, I've never been good at this) and being decisive in your subjects. I think one of my specialties is avoiding the latter purely to allow myself to ramble on, become distracted and talk about something entirely unrelated - much like I'm doing now. So, I'll put a close on this one. After dropping a few people home tonight I wound up in one of those really awkward "are we really having this conversation" moments, you know, the kind of conversation that's acceptable after you've had a drink but is probably best left alone when you're sober? Yup. One of those. I'm glad it happened though; really opened my eyes to an issue I've never really considered before, and something I'd like to share with you incase you ever find yourself in the same / similar situation. If just one person can take something away from this? I'm pleased I wrote it.
It's OK to lose, as long as you learn something...
This is pretty personal to me right now; to the point that I'm still weighing up the pros and cons in my head of writing it / posting it. If anything? Leaves me leaving pretty vulnerable, but sometimes that's for the best. I could probably rattle on for hours about social dynamics, relationships, morality and ethics surrounding the two and so on and so forth. Without having actually taken a psychology degree I think it's one of the most fascinating unknowns that I should've probably pursued earlier in life. Every single person is like a puzzle, and without stroking my own ego, I'm usually pretty good at putting the pieces together; or at least, most of them. Everyone has little surprises they like to throw at you now and then; not to mention I'm more than capable of misreading scenarios / situations - but making mistakes is what keeps me thinking; and I appreciate that.
There's one topic in particular that's really been weighing on my mind recently so this is part of the process in overcoming it I guess. The topic in question..?
If you ever really want something; you have to be prepared to lose it completely...
I can't begin to stress enough how much the above is relevant in so many scenarios around not only myself, but also those in my closest social circles and beyond. It's pretty fascinating how we see people around us as a certain 'something'; whether it be purely platonic, a drinking buddy, an ex, a friend with benefits, someone you 'like', the nice guy, the player, the regret (we've all had those, right?), the sibling you never had.. Everyone around you is different in some way or another, and part of social circles is appreciating that diversity; how everyone as an individual makes up such an extensive, complex network of personalities that fulfill your lifestyle. Sometimes the descriptions can cross over, for example, a certain someone might be the friend with benefits that you've got feelings for (get out of that scenario asap!)
For now I'll address only one of the above, and probably the hardest one to come to terms with. "Someone you like". Pretty bitter pill to swallow sometimes, right?
There's so many complications when it comes to someone you have an emotional investment in that you're not actually with. What your / their current situation is, how they perceive you and how they think you perceive them, what you know of their history and what they know of yours. Fact of the matter is? You're involved in their lives for one reason or another, whether they're conscious of it or not. It's often said you don't know what you're missing until it's gone - and I hope whichever philosopher / songwriter / mentalist came up with that phrase realised just how correct they were at the time.
It's human nature to take things for granted, and unfortunately it's human nature to toss things aside when you're done with them. We all did it as kids and we all do it now. As soon as there's a new mobile phone on the market, we toss the old one. When you were playing computer games, the new one made the original obsolete and its still collecting dust on the shelf. When each person in your life has satisfied their purpose, they become disposable. The guilt only lasts for a little while because unfortunately, that very same human nature teaches us how to deal with rejection and how to grasp the concept of moving on; the longer it takes, the more it hurts, so my advice on that front is? Don't be judgmental, disappointed or begrudging; it's human nature after all.
Definitely good at that rambling business.. anyway, back to the point..
Despite everything said about human nature, we also control our own minds, thought processes (to a degree), what we say and how we say it. The one thing we don't really control? Is how we feel. Emotions are a funny old business that the most intelligent of people will never really truly work out, in my opinion. The funny thing is, a lot of people fall into relationships because they fear loneliness and have a craving for affection and emotional satisfaction. They need to be validated, accepted and appreciated by someone else in order to feel at ease with themselves. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but part of me makes me wonder how their relationships will turn out.. how happy they will be in the long run and if they're lying to themselves in order to convince everyone else that they're happy; or if they've never really run the risk of being alone to force themselves to be the best they can be, and have someone be the best they can be, for them.
The downside to independence and refusing to settle for second best? Opportunities are few and far between. Undoubtedly there will be relationships that try, and fail, but for the right reasons; rather than a necessity to 'have someone'. In discovering someone else, you might not realise it, but you consistently discover yourself. As unpredictable as others can be, no one will ever surprise you as much as you looking back on your own actions to see how you've changed, developed and grown as a person. It's a pretty refreshing reflection.
I'm sure I've rambled on and completely missed my point, but I guess if you're still reading, you found something to relate to. Maybe there will be a day I get round to explaining what I'm trying to explain with a clearer mind than I have done here. But not yet.
Take your time and consider your decisions; sometimes its best to leave your head in the clouds and let your heart take the plunge. Disappointment hurts, but nothing hurts more than never knowing..
Sunday 26 February 2012
When puzzles are complete; sometimes the pictures aren't so pretty
I was sincerely looking forward to writing this next blog installment. I'd built myself to the point in which I had nothing negative to say and I could express how ambition, motivation and drive were so key to everyone's life and major tools on a platform to success. I really wanted to write about that; and in the past 24 hours, I've learnt lessons that won't even allow me to do so.
I'm incredibly disappointed in myself because naive and blind aren't two words I'd ever use to describe myself; until today.
... I wrote that on Thursday, and I think it's necessary that it stays. I had a lot on my mind and part of releasing it is to leave it there. But it's incredible how strength of character is portrayed in how you deal with situations; rather than the situations you're in. So, welcome to my revised, more positive post.
... I wrote that on Thursday, and I think it's necessary that it stays. I had a lot on my mind and part of releasing it is to leave it there. But it's incredible how strength of character is portrayed in how you deal with situations; rather than the situations you're in. So, welcome to my revised, more positive post.
Lessons are to be learnt, not opportunities squandered
February, as a whole, has been pretty good to me. It's funny how poker has taught me so much in life, and no lesson more important than 'variance'. To explain it to a non-poker player; I guess it's similar to economics. When it's represented on a graph there's peaks and troughs, but generally, a 'winner' will have an upward gradient in the long run. I think it goes far and above my personal opinion to tell you if you're a winner or not, and you'll have to ask me in 50 years or so for a more accurate answer, but at least I can reflect on my 23 year journey so far.
I'll start with poker, because I know most people will roll their eyes and not take the time to read it; so I'll keep it brief.
I started two weeks ago with a $150 deposit on Stars and had essentially, the second best poker month I've ever had. Playing 25PLO I spun up a profit of approximately $1,050 in a week and a bit. Unfortunately, as is the nature of poker, I was blind to the fact I was experiencing a 'heater' - when a player is considered to be 'running good' and therefore making a greater profit per hour played. Quite frankly, not even the best professionals in the world could keep that up on a consistent level. Ironically, the past week has seen me swing back down to roughly $450; leaving me with a meager $300 profit. As a recreational player that's been dealing with a lot of mental leaks however; I'm not that disheartened by it. I've also purchased PokerTracker from my profits so my game should theoretically improve in the long term - not an awful month by any stretch. No more poker talk for now; promise.
Ironically..? Just in case anyone picked up on it
In the same manner as my poker, February has been a pretty swingy month on a personal / social level. Where some had fallen by the wayside for a multitude of reasons (well, one primary reason but I don't need to go into it), I opened new doors and rediscovered some others. It's interesting how we change the people involved in our lives over a period of time and become very circumstantially dependent. Fortunately I'm not one to hold a grudge and often take a step back to appreciate the bigger picture, rather than the smudge on the canvas that's been pointed out to me. In reality; does one small, insignificant mistake ruin a masterpiece? I'd like to think not.
I received a text last Wednesday (the 22nd if that's about to bear relevance to anything) which I'll paraphrase ~ "Although you're so aware of so many things, I don't know if you're really, truly, honestly aware of the impact you can have on people. Everything you say may be a lie, but I have no reason to think it is. Your honesty and humour are endearing."
It's not often the simple things that someone might say make me smile, but that in itself evoked a response I'm not usually in touch with. Borderline dangerous for stroking my ego? Perhaps. I guess I'd never really given much thought to the idea that my opinions, advice and experiences would really relate to those around me on such a level. Like most things, this encouraged my overly active mind to think about situations I've been in, how I've dealt with them, discussed them and moved on from them; but then onto the point of how other people deal with their own situations in everyday life.
Personally I'm a believer in "age is just a number", and I don't think it directly correlates to how mature you are as a person. If anything, age has just given you a timeline in which to record your experiences, and the older you are, the more potential you've had to experience. I meet thirty-somethings that still go clubbing on a regular basis as if they were fresh out of college and twenty-somethings that have their own children, long term partners and commitments to mortgages and seemingly lasting careers. To blanket that with something as simple as 'age' would be naive. A lot of that is likely what stirs my inquisition.. I never really enjoyed those 1,000 piece puzzles your parents would give you as a kid to keep you entertained for hours because you haven't worked out to either find all of the corner pieces first or start from a focal point in the picture on the lid.
When it comes to puzzles relevant to me though? It's people. We're all incredibly complex in our own ways and although many people share tendencies and similarities, no two people will ever be exactly the same. I don't think I ever went out with the intention of analysing people to the extent I do, but it is something that I find really challenging and ultimately; satisfying. I'm not sure if it's inspired by watching Season 2 of Dexter fairly recently but I'm half-tempted to look into a career in criminal profiling. I haven't got the faintest idea of how to get into it but hey, sounds good right? I'm starting to waffle and let myself be distracted, so I'll wrap this up. I guess my mind is a little cluttered so it's coming across far more bitty than I imagined in my own head..
Fate.. Destiny.. Fortune and Karma..
Really? All of the above are one and the same. What's curious is that there are many interlaced patterns connecting the same words in a number of different respects and a multitude of beliefs surrounding each of them.
Typically, people that 'believe' in karma advocate 'what goes around, comes around' and in some manner; luck is on your side when you're sitting atop a moral high ground, yet leaves you to your own devices when you've been a little out of touch with the angels of society. In a similar (yet not identical, I appreciate) manner, these believers are often of the impression that fate, destiny and everything between is somehow already carved out for each of us as individuals. We have to take each day as it comes and it will end as it was forever intended.
Ironically, (I love that word), I used to believe in very much the same. I think I've been pretty 'lucky' in the terms of things falling into my lap, be it work opportunities, academic achievements, good health (debatable!), friendships, relationships - the list probably goes on a little longer. Now however? I'm contrary to that line of thinking. Riding on the back of success is no where near as fulfilling as grafting to the point of really achieving success.
I think if I missed anything as a kid, it would be having a vigorous work ethic drilled into me. I'm pretty laid back by nature and sometimes I do need a real boot up my proverbial backside to motivate myself. In my line of work it's quite interesting that how I am as a manager reflects in my team's performance too. There's a consistent pattern of; under-performance -> I get booted -> I boot everyone else -> we all perform. We're too relaxed in getting "just enough done" when in reality we could do more and really push ourselves to exceed expectations. Something (or someone) really has to capture my imagination, creativity and drive to get the best out of me in that respect.
In light of that, and the line I hate to hear whenever someone comes to me for advice; "It's easier said than done, Rick", is hopefully going to be the driving force behind March and beyond. One thing I don't like ever being accused of, is hypocrisy, so if you ever hear me say the aforementioned, then please - point it out to me. It'll get under my skin and you'll be opening yourself to a nasty sideways glance but genuinely; I'd appreciate it.
So I implore anyone that reads this; to take destiny into your own hands. At the end of the day, the result isn't always necessarily the most important thing. If you want to walk away from something with your head held high; at least look back on it and consider if you had given yourself the best shot at getting what you want from life. Be proud of what you've achieved; and if you haven't quite got there - be proud of giving it your best.
In closing, I have a little line of advice. Someone told me the first part not so long ago, and I've tried to instill it every day since; it really does make a difference..
Wake up with a smile; it's better than breakfast.
Sunday 22 January 2012
Emotions are a bitch.
A third update in January? I'm too good to you people. All the same, I appreciate you delving into my wonderfully complex and unorganised thoughts & feelings. This blog is a real double-edged sword for me; I feel it's a fantastic way to express myself and get things out of my system in a way that I wouldn't do normally, but also leaves me rather exposed to those that read it. I guess a good 95% of those readers are going to be relatively close friends though, so it's pretty balanced I would imagine.
This might be the most self-depreciating, openly honest and condemning blog I ever write, so here goes..
Google is fantastic for conjuring up exactly what you need at any given moment. The above is pretty much a vivid account of what's going on in my mind lately. I'm pretty lost, confused and I'm opening too few avenues for all the doors I seem to be closing lately. I've had a terrible habit of hurting the people closest to me the most. I think the first time I ever realised that was seeing my mother cry for only the second time in my life; when I was teenager full of angst, self harming and dabbling in things so recreational these days but are ultimately life destroying if taken for the wrong reasons. Admittedly, I'm not anywhere near as close to 'depressed' as I was when I was suffering glandular fever back in 2007; but it's how my attitude has affected those around me that's incredibly draining and quite frankly, vindictive.
So.. where do we start? They say save the best for last, but I'll make an exception in this case...
I have no shame whatsoever in admitting that my best friend is female; infact, I'm quite proud that we understand eachother on the levels we do and ultimately for all my flaws, I could trust her with just about anything and everything. The flipside to that however, is that for all the good in the banter, the endless hours of conversation and the time we spend passing time through our fingers - the lows can be bitter, twisted and often ridiculous.
Too many times we've had arguments stem from drunken idiocy and mishaps in which we've thrown about the word hate among a barrage of expletives and anger. We both make incredible mistakes to the point that I feel like she's a sister that I often expect too much of, and has reserved a special place in my life in which I can tell her I love her as a friend - not something I bat about often considering it's too often said too soon. She's earnt my respect on so many levels, and I genuinely hope she appreciates it as much as I do.
Fact is, I owe her an apology. I've said it in private but my drunken, selfish actions of late have offended, disrespected and hurt her in more ways than I'm probably capable of hurting anyone else. I guess making it public is just another gesture of my sincerity. If you're fortunate enough to have Holly (affectionately known as Horri, or mett.. sometimes 'bruv' or 'son') in your life; you'd do well to keep her around. She's got a pretty big heart and sometimes it doesn't take much to break it, so be a bit careful. More careful than I've been of late anyway. Sorry mett. This bit's for you.
This might be the most self-depreciating, openly honest and condemning blog I ever write, so here goes..
A picture speaks a thousand words..
Google is fantastic for conjuring up exactly what you need at any given moment. The above is pretty much a vivid account of what's going on in my mind lately. I'm pretty lost, confused and I'm opening too few avenues for all the doors I seem to be closing lately. I've had a terrible habit of hurting the people closest to me the most. I think the first time I ever realised that was seeing my mother cry for only the second time in my life; when I was teenager full of angst, self harming and dabbling in things so recreational these days but are ultimately life destroying if taken for the wrong reasons. Admittedly, I'm not anywhere near as close to 'depressed' as I was when I was suffering glandular fever back in 2007; but it's how my attitude has affected those around me that's incredibly draining and quite frankly, vindictive.
So.. where do we start? They say save the best for last, but I'll make an exception in this case...
Your best friends, and exactly why they are the 'best'..
She told me to pick one that represented what I think of her.. couldn't miss the glass of vino.
I have no shame whatsoever in admitting that my best friend is female; infact, I'm quite proud that we understand eachother on the levels we do and ultimately for all my flaws, I could trust her with just about anything and everything. The flipside to that however, is that for all the good in the banter, the endless hours of conversation and the time we spend passing time through our fingers - the lows can be bitter, twisted and often ridiculous.
Too many times we've had arguments stem from drunken idiocy and mishaps in which we've thrown about the word hate among a barrage of expletives and anger. We both make incredible mistakes to the point that I feel like she's a sister that I often expect too much of, and has reserved a special place in my life in which I can tell her I love her as a friend - not something I bat about often considering it's too often said too soon. She's earnt my respect on so many levels, and I genuinely hope she appreciates it as much as I do.
Fact is, I owe her an apology. I've said it in private but my drunken, selfish actions of late have offended, disrespected and hurt her in more ways than I'm probably capable of hurting anyone else. I guess making it public is just another gesture of my sincerity. If you're fortunate enough to have Holly (affectionately known as Horri, or mett.. sometimes 'bruv' or 'son') in your life; you'd do well to keep her around. She's got a pretty big heart and sometimes it doesn't take much to break it, so be a bit careful. More careful than I've been of late anyway. Sorry mett. This bit's for you.
And why friends in abundance is a necessity in life..
There's a slightly cynical side to me that finds it difficult to let people know what they mean to me. I'd like to think that more often than not I demonstrate it through my actions rather than words. Considering we're in a New Year and all that malarkey, I'm going to take the time to write it down for once. I'll apologise in advance for anyone that feels like they've been missed; but these are the lads that have been there through thick and thin for longer than I care to admit.
Don't think we've changed all that much either..
Me .. Chris Hares .. Mike Frankin .. Luke Hopkins .. Billy Alton
I'm probably right in thinking that the majority of people reading this would know who these lads are, but I've name them anyway from left to right, just incase anyone is seeking inspiration and happens to stumble across this... Luke's had a haircut since this was taken too, so it's all good.
It's ironic that we're all at very similar stages in our lives, but I guess that, to a certain degree, is why we relate to eachother in the ways we do. Four of five are in fairly stable, reasonably paid jobs; working hard graft full time to enjoy the weekends, and more often than not, Thursdays too. Chris has decided to go missing in uni for a bit, so he's not around as often as we'd like him to be; but we'd never tell him that.
Having known both Luke & Bill since a tender age in primary school, I'm genuinely impressed that we're still in regular contact and get on as well as we do. We fall out on a regular basis, have rows about the most mundane things, yet consistently shake it off knowing full well that it's just part and parcel of being mates to one another. Life would be boring without the pair of them; having seen them grow up and mature (maybe that's being too generous) into the young men they are today, I can honestly say I'm dead proud to consider them two of my closest mates. No doubt I'll get some stick for this (not that Bill will read it), but I'll take it on the chin knowing full well that if they were emotionally mixed up enough to write their own blogs, the content would be somewhat similar.
Chris & Mike however joined us a little later on in the road we call life. Chris I met at secondary school, and I think it's safe to say we've had our differences. Having been a part of an intimate group of mates for two years; we found reason to fall out on a fairly regular basis, and I've never really given him credit for what he's been through. I appreciate now that I can be a massive pain in the arse; but his rebound rate means it kind of washes over him in the same way he doesn't bite in political debates. He's given me some constructive, solid advice recently; to the extent it may even change my life forever. We'll see, and undoubtedly, there will be another blog about it in weeks to come.
Mike sort of got trapped in the net after a brief fling with a mutual friend of ours, settled in pretty well and probably just hasn't found the motivation to put up with anyone else. He actually set me on my way with some pretty heavy reading material a few years back (I won't name it, because if you're reading this, you probably know it already), which I hadn't even contemplated would affect me on the level it has. My interests in psychology / sociology are very much down to him, although I don't think that was ever his intention, and he probably gets wound up when I bang on about it. I've got some incredibly fond memories of Mike when no one else has been up for going out and he's found the motivation to get himself ready (albeit an hour later than planned) and despite his looking miserable 80% of the time; he's provided me with some of the best entertainment and social satisfaction I could ask for. If you're reading this about Mike for the first time? Well, take the time to pick apart his interests and I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised with his level of contribution to a conversation. He really knows his stuff and if you can relate - he's a pretty interesting lad to have around.
So now I'm done being all sentimental..
I probably owe a few people an apology for not being a part of this blog, and I probably owe even more people an apology if I happened to have let them down or hurt them recently. Unfortunately I'm stubborn enough to keep some sense of privacy in my life and I'm sure you all know how I feel on a personal level. There are plenty of people I could name from several different social circles, and I could probably delve into who I used to spend the majority of my weekends with, my relationships and all sorts; but I'd be writing a novel, not a blog.
So to generalise, and finish.. I am incredibly sorry to those I've hurt, and even more thankful to those that have had a positive influence in my life, be it in the past month, year, decade - however long. They say life's too short for grudges; and whoever 'they' are, are probably right. I reflect at 23 and realise that I'm probably about the same percentage through my life span (if I'm lucky enough), so I'll be conscious not to take anything for granted. I had planned a little picture montage of everyone that's entered my thoughts whilst writing this, but my Photoshop skills aren't quite what they used to be. Maybe I'll rectify that next time out and make a conscious effort to identify all of you..
Take care.
~ Rick
Wednesday 11 January 2012
This one's for you Chops..
Because Chops is just Chops..
So I wasn't planning on updating my blog until the end of January because I figured it would give me a pretty fair reflection on my resolutions and so on. However, the man above requested a little update to see how I'm getting on in life because he couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone. So I'll spend an hour or so telling everyone my life story instead. But hopefully it'll make for a pretty interesting read regardless.
I promised myself I'd be dead honest with myself regarding my resolutions, so I guess that means I have to be honest with everyone that takes the time to read this. I made 7 resolutions this year, and we're a massive 11 days into January; 10 days after I actually made them, so let's see how I'm getting on..
1. Giving up smoking ... failed.
2. And fast food ... passed!
3. And alcohol! ... failed.
4. Running consistently ... passed!
5. Gym routine ... hasn't got up and running yet.
6. Practical planning ... this is 50/50 ... Ok, it's a fail.
7. Playing poker the successful way ... Now this is 50/50. Too small a sample to judge though.
In an effort to start with the negative and build on a positive, I guess that means I have to start with my failures. Smoking and alcohol very much boiled down to the same thing, and I think I've smoked a total of 12 cigarettes and had a single JD & coke. Why? Well, there's always a legitimate reason. Not one I'm happy about and in hindsight, was likely a pretty bad excuse, but hey ho, that's life, and life's all about reflections.
When you're 6'1", hitting the floor hurts a little more than when a short person falls..
A close friend of mine picked me up on something this week. "I don't understand why you're putting your happiness down to women, that's not like you?", and she couldn't be more right. I like to think that if I've learnt anything in life, it's that resilience is key. I like to believe I'm a pretty confident, emotionally stable, generally secure, well rounded individual (no pun intended). So I got one of those pretty standard emotionally conflicting messages from someone I was pretty close to recently. I have no idea if she'll read this or not, but hey, if she does; I'll give her credit for getting to me. Allow me to paraphrase..
"Yeah I know, I'm just saying I don't know about everything.. or anything.. you know what I mean?"
"Not really.. in relation to what?"
"Us :/ x"
"Us :/ x"
Boom. Doesn't take a psychologist to work out that's bad news, right? Obviously I'm not going to go into details but I'm sure you can imagine the conversation that followed, which pretty much consisted of the sharp end of my tongue until finding some rationality to chill out, calm down and be reasonable. Realistically? I could have probably seen it coming for a few weeks. It was a difficult situation from day one and it was never going to be a simple equation to solve. On top of that, the conversation never really changed anything. Females are naturally indecisive in my experience (God forbid my feminist friends read this and jump on my back about it...), and she was never in a position to give me a reasonably solid answer about what "it" (shall we say) was. I guess in analysing almost everything in depth I hate the feeling of unknowing and it left me in a pretty vulnerable position. My only problem was, until receiving the message above, I didn't realise it would hurt the way it did.
Being a bloke, naturally, I figured the best response was to relay the situation to said friend that mentioned how my mentality almost never relates to women, and Big Kev, who I'm sure will appreciate the irony in being labelled Big Kev. We were due in the Nags for the Big £5 Tuesday Game at about half 7, so I was round to his for just after 6 for a cuppa and a cigarette. It helped talking the situation off my chest, probably moreso than the cigarette and the JD & coke when we got to the Nags, but the combination of everything gave me some kind of clarity - so much so that I went on to win and take home a tidy £55 profit. Not a bad return on a fiver.
Moving swiftly onwards..
The other fail was relating to practical planning. Now, I've experienced for a good 4-5 years now, that January is always a tough month financially. This year I was paid on the 22nd Dec (my birthday, result, in some ways), but won't be paid again until the 27th Jan. Pretty long stretch for someone that leaves a lot to be desired in ways of financial plans. See my problem is, I'm well aware of the situation. I know it's going to be a long month, I know that from the 22nd through to the 1st I'm more than likely going to be spending more than I should be, yet I didn't budget for any of it. After all, it's Christmas.
So we're about mid-January, I'm 16 days away from being paid, and thankfully with a £60 top-up I'm actually in a reasonable financial position for the month. Realistically I would've made it regardless, but the £60 is pretty much the equivalent to turning over to the cold side of your pillow, it just feels that little bit better. Good job I don't drink, else it might have cost me a round. It also means I can commit to two more things at the end of the month, but more on that to follow...
Plans for the rest of January..
I initially insisted I was giving up paintball this year. It's a huge financial strain that I can't afford, especially for the whole year. Infact, playing for 8 months of the year (something like that), probably costs me in the region of £1,200-£1,500 a year. That's without taking into account if I need something replaced, and gear certainly doesn't come cheap. Ben managed to break my hopper (loader to non-paintballers) which is a good £75 at least, so there's plenty of costs to creep in that escalate that figure. It's a pretty expensive hobby without heavy sponsorship, and even then, you'll be dishing out even more in terms of travel, more training etc - so it's all swings and roundabouts.
However, Darren (otherwise known as Cueball) posted up the field layout for the event at the end of January, and I fell in love with it. As a tape-side player (or teabag side.. I might do a paintball blog after the event and go into details for anyone interested, or not, whatever!), the field is absolutely perfect. Lots of cross-field protection, and perfect bunkers / lanes on my side of the field. I think I'll be incredibly confident on it, to the point that I haven't trained for three months yet I think it will only take a game or two to get back into the swing of things. On top of this, Simon's put his name forward to play in the 5-man team. He's got huge depth of knowledge within the game and was a fantastic influence in my development. Aside from him of course, is the opportunity for brotherly bonding. He's always pushed me in the deep end with paintball so I figure it's the best way to thank him by signing off with a trophy. We'll see.
I'll be updating again at the end of January, hopefully cigarette / alcohol free. I don't really consider the resolutions 'failures' as they were merely hiccups on the way to a long term goal.
Thanks for following; and hopefully you've enjoyed the read. Look forward to the next one.
~ Rick
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